I'm gonna be really real. Generally speaking, im real but I do tend to watch what I say so I don't sound negative or pursuade folk in a direction.
Here it is...
Since getting our most recent placement, life has been hard.
He is a tough kid from a hard place & it shows, daily, minute by minute.
The real-ness is when I tell you I wanted him to just go back. NOT to the troubles that landed him in foster care but to someone else's home. I wanted my kids to not have to worry about him bothering them anymore. I wanted Matt to not worry about him throwing fits anymore. I want to not worry about him screaming at me anymore. I want to sit and be still. I want to drive and not hear the amount of bickering in the backseat that sends a sane person insane & want to jump from the car...while it is moving!
It has been a hard, gosh I don't even know how long, three weeks.
THEN, once I'm done whining, my Spirit says, "Soldier On." My flesh argues. I am weak. I am mentally done. His deliberate disobedience is so incredibly hard not to personalize.
"Soldier On. If Paul did his ministry with his thorn then so can you."
Am I calling our friend a thorn? Yes, sometimes he is. Lots of the time he is. Most of the time he is BUT that doesn't change our mission.
It didn't change it for Paul, in fact I would argue it made him better.
This fostering isn't easy at. all. It is a calling. It is our calling. We didn't do this bc of a message at church or bc of an event. It wasn't like going to a concert and leaving with a Compassion Child.
I would have quit tonight had this been some quick decision. If this wasn't literally, told to me that we must do this. I would have quit. "The thorn is too much today." Then I would return back to my four kids, carried on about our life and planned some absurd vacation.
Paul had a mission. He was called. It wasn't a warm fuzzy feeling. Warm fuzzies get cold after a while. This was in him to do. It was in Him to grow believers, to teach them, to deal with super apostles, to bridge the gap in the churches he started.
So when you ask me how I'm doing, I really do not know how to answer you. Part of me wants to sit in my closet with mindless books, Netflix, Hulu & Amazon Instant(for variety) and never come out. Part of me wants to say, "I'm over it."
But the part of me that has been called says, "Soldier on bc he is worth it."