Hiatus

I can't remember where I heard it but I heard someone say "Christians are like sponges. You have to get filled up with the Word then you get squeezed and the Word comes out but eventually, like a sponge you become dry if you aren't being filled."

This has always stuck with me.

My sponge is dry.

Our last placement sucked all the Word I had in me. I wouldn't say I'm completely dry because that sounds awful but I am needing a fill.

It is my fault. I let emotional exhaustion win. If given the choice to pray or be alone, I would choose to be alone.

He has been gone for just over a week and I feel like at least my humor is returning.

When he left, there was a physical release. It sounds weird but my body literally felt better as soon as he was gone. I didn't realize I had gotten to that point of survival. I mean, I felt mentally there but physically I was on auto pilot.

Once he left, I felt lighter. I smiled. I hugged my husband. I laughed.

It isn't AG's fault. I blame the evil in this world. It isn't his fault he has had a shitty life. It wasn't our fault he raged against us.

Didn't make it less draining though.

After every placement, we take a break. This break will be an extended one. We literally have relationships we need to work on with each other and with our children. This whole mission is a huge sacrifice.

Tucking AG into bed first meant my kids got the rushed version. Meeting AG's needs over my children meant they got the annoyed mom. AG came first in a lot of ways and my kids came second. Some will say "Oh that is so sad and this is why we can't and won't foster."

Yeah, I get that but my kids will bounce back. They get to have us when each child leaves. Sacrifice is part of this mission and it isn't just Matt and I sacrificing. It is our whole family.

There are six sponges that need some filling. We will spend the next handful of months being 'normal.' We will jump back in to the chaos after we have healed and filled up.

I will wash the sheets, shut the door to the room and when the time is right the door will be opened.

For now, I am going to reconnect to Jesus, my husband and my children.

Soldier On

Soldier On

I'm gonna be really real. Generally speaking, im real but I do tend to watch what I say so I don't sound negative or pursuade folk in a direction.

Here it is...

Since getting our most recent placement, life has been hard. 

He is a tough kid from a hard place & it shows, daily, minute by minute.

The real-ness is when I tell you I wanted him to just go back. NOT to the troubles that landed him in foster care but to someone else's home. I wanted my kids to not have to worry about him bothering them anymore. I wanted Matt to not worry about him throwing fits anymore. I want to not worry about him screaming at me anymore. I want to sit and be still. I want to drive and not hear the amount of bickering in the backseat that sends a sane person insane & want to jump from the car...while it is moving!

It has been a hard, gosh I don't even know how long, three weeks.

THEN, once I'm done whining, my Spirit says, "Soldier On." My flesh argues. I am weak. I am mentally done. His deliberate disobedience is so incredibly hard not to personalize. 

"Soldier On. If Paul did his ministry with his thorn then so can you."

Am I calling our friend a thorn? Yes, sometimes he is. Lots of the time he is. Most of the time he is BUT that doesn't change our mission. 

It didn't change it for Paul, in fact I would argue it made him better. 

"Soldier On."

This fostering isn't easy at. all. It is a calling. It is our calling. We didn't do this bc of a message at church or bc of an event. It wasn't like going to a concert and leaving with a Compassion Child. 

I would have quit tonight had this been some quick decision. If this wasn't literally, told to me that we must do this. I would have quit. "The thorn is too much today." Then I would return back to my four kids, carried on about our life and planned some absurd vacation. 

"Soldier On."

Paul had a mission. He was called. It wasn't a warm fuzzy feeling. Warm fuzzies get cold after a while. This was in him to do. It was in Him to grow believers, to teach them, to deal with super apostles, to bridge the gap in the churches he started. 

"Soldier On."

So when you ask me how I'm doing, I really do not know how to answer you. Part of me wants to sit in my closet with mindless books, Netflix, Hulu & Amazon Instant(for variety) and never come out. Part of me wants to say, "I'm over it."

But the part of me that has been called says, "Soldier on bc he is worth it."

Purpose

I've had people imply that we will take time to evaluate if we want to venture down this path again now that we know the end result and the pain it brings...

Let me take this back a few steps to give some insight.

The reason we are doing this is because we were told to. The Holy Spirit was very clear to me.

Since the whole reason is for Christ and He told us to do this then we will obey.

I have no doubt that if after Christ rose from the grave and someone, maybe Peter had asked Him, "So knowing now what you know now... Would you do it all again?"

I'm sure Jesus would have said with a smile, "But of course! My Father asked and I will obey. My Father has great plans for me and you. I must obey because my obedience changes the world. So absolutely I would do it again, because beyond the pain, beyond the stares and the whispers, beyond the darkness awaits beauty, awaits Heaven. If I don't obey, I miss out on the Promise and so do YOU!"

My heart is hurting big time. One of my children is incredibly sad. Another is hiding it. Two others don't understand.

But yes, yes we will do this again. This wasn't a trial run. It wasn't practice to see if we enjoyed it!

We will take time just the six of us to recover. Our definition of normal NOW is what most find strange and what most find normal we can't live in that zone of life anymore. Normal for us is weird to the world. I look at your normal and find it weird.

So we will use this time between the race we just ran to recover, to cross train, to refocus.

It's a race friends. Run it with PURPOSE!

One Month

It's been a month since our lives got flipped turned upside down...

It's been a month of feeling we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing.

It's been a month of constant teeth grinding... on my part.

It's been a month of not watching TV at night but reading books.

It's been a month of adjusting.

It's been a month.

It's been a month of watching a broken child grow.

It's been a month of watching a child who had no idea what church was like, what a Bible was or what praying sounded like, hearing him memorize Scripture.

It's been a month of humility.

It's been a month of sacrifice.

It's been a month of knowing my children will forever be changed.

It's been a month of knowing Matt and I will forever be changed.

It's been a month of feeling Christ closer than ever.

It's been a month of Grace.

It's been a month of unknown.

It's been a month of planting seeds.

It's been a month of Hope.

The Call

"Why are you fidgeting?" Matt whispered while the guest speaker was preaching.
"Because God is calling me out and I want to pull a Jonah and bolt."

Foster Care.

The tug at my heart and been getting stronger and stronger. Also, FYI, tugs at the heart get loud, in case you were curious, if there was a noise. There is.

During that service, I knew what we had to do.

The following Monday, I sent the email. The ball is now rolling.
I look back to all the events, messages, meetings that led us here. It's like an onion of events; layer upon layer. God was building my confidence that when He did give my heart the fidgets there would be no doubt as to what He was saying.

"I think we need to start the process to foster." I hesitantly told Matt.
"Ok."

He couldn't have been more matter of fact. He said "Ok." with such ease that I thought he was being nice and agreeing to his wife. "Uhh you ok with this?"
"Yep!"

He knew my heart was hearing from God and he wasn't going to argue.

Lots of paper work.. Like a ton of paper work. Lots of hours watching online training videos. Lots of questions. Lots of vulnerability.

A handful of months later, we are approved and a week later the phone begins to ring...