Lately...

Someone asked me recently why I hadn't posted about any foster stories.

We are on a break.

Our last placement sucked all the happy from us. The longer he was with us the angrier he became. The longer he was with us the more like zombies my family became.

I don't blame him. Let's make that clear.

His anger was 100% justified.

He was 6.

Not many 6 year olds have an understanding of time. When you are 6 and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, that brings rage in your tiny body. There were more 'things' that brought his rage and I would tell him how those issues made me mad too. Some things did not make sense & I couldn't get answers. Let's say I did get answers, it wouldn't have helped him to feel better.

So when I talk about how hard he was, I feel the need to defend him bc it wasn't his fault.

That being said, our family couldn't serve him like he needed.

When I tell people how hard our last placement was, I tend to get the "Oh yeah well duh." Like "of course he was hard! He came from a hard place." Basically everyone assumes bc I say words like "hard" "life sucking" "rage." All words that bring hesitation, people think we have thrown in the towel. And I think for a moment they feel a sense of relief like I proved that THEY shouldn't foster.

I can totally see the faces of people. They ask how it was or "how it is going?" Matt and I get honest and their demeanor changes and all of the sudden they act like Jesus just spoke to them, through us, that they shouldn't foster bc we said it is hard. Look people, Christ is not justifying your hesitation bc we say it is hard!! That is the devil my friends. Jesus doesn't say "Oh yeah Joe and Jan, Megan said it was hard so you are right. Don't foster." I am not giving you an out!

I hope that makes sense. And when we tell people it is hard they think we are done. Like it was too much so we give up. Umm news flash, we haven't quit.

So when I say how hard it was, we are not tapping out! Things are hard! That doesn't mean we throw in the towel!

Yes, we will be a family of 6 for many months. Yes, we will do this again. Yes, it will probably be hard but we are compelled. I did ask Jesus to take this calling away.

He laughed. That is His typical reaction to my silly requests. We are cool like that.

The next few months have lots going on with Matt's trip to Kenya, birthdays & our 14th anniversary & spiritual refilling. And lots of praying!

The Holy Spirit will tell us when the time to open the door to the spare room has come.

Caleb still talks about him. I can't quote him bc Caleb says his name but lots remind us of him. Green Gatorade being one thing.

I feel like I've come up out of the weeds and see my kids. In the past month, they have matured. It is mind blowing how they have grown this summer in life lessons and physically.

Chloe turns 10 in exactly one week. On Sept 11, Caleb turns 4.

So that is a vomiting of what it going on in the Knox house pertaining to fostering.

I have more to say but it would be changing lanes so I'll save it for another day.

Hiatus

I can't remember where I heard it but I heard someone say "Christians are like sponges. You have to get filled up with the Word then you get squeezed and the Word comes out but eventually, like a sponge you become dry if you aren't being filled."

This has always stuck with me.

My sponge is dry.

Our last placement sucked all the Word I had in me. I wouldn't say I'm completely dry because that sounds awful but I am needing a fill.

It is my fault. I let emotional exhaustion win. If given the choice to pray or be alone, I would choose to be alone.

He has been gone for just over a week and I feel like at least my humor is returning.

When he left, there was a physical release. It sounds weird but my body literally felt better as soon as he was gone. I didn't realize I had gotten to that point of survival. I mean, I felt mentally there but physically I was on auto pilot.

Once he left, I felt lighter. I smiled. I hugged my husband. I laughed.

It isn't AG's fault. I blame the evil in this world. It isn't his fault he has had a shitty life. It wasn't our fault he raged against us.

Didn't make it less draining though.

After every placement, we take a break. This break will be an extended one. We literally have relationships we need to work on with each other and with our children. This whole mission is a huge sacrifice.

Tucking AG into bed first meant my kids got the rushed version. Meeting AG's needs over my children meant they got the annoyed mom. AG came first in a lot of ways and my kids came second. Some will say "Oh that is so sad and this is why we can't and won't foster."

Yeah, I get that but my kids will bounce back. They get to have us when each child leaves. Sacrifice is part of this mission and it isn't just Matt and I sacrificing. It is our whole family.

There are six sponges that need some filling. We will spend the next handful of months being 'normal.' We will jump back in to the chaos after we have healed and filled up.

I will wash the sheets, shut the door to the room and when the time is right the door will be opened.

For now, I am going to reconnect to Jesus, my husband and my children.

Soldier On

Soldier On

I'm gonna be really real. Generally speaking, im real but I do tend to watch what I say so I don't sound negative or pursuade folk in a direction.

Here it is...

Since getting our most recent placement, life has been hard. 

He is a tough kid from a hard place & it shows, daily, minute by minute.

The real-ness is when I tell you I wanted him to just go back. NOT to the troubles that landed him in foster care but to someone else's home. I wanted my kids to not have to worry about him bothering them anymore. I wanted Matt to not worry about him throwing fits anymore. I want to not worry about him screaming at me anymore. I want to sit and be still. I want to drive and not hear the amount of bickering in the backseat that sends a sane person insane & want to jump from the car...while it is moving!

It has been a hard, gosh I don't even know how long, three weeks.

THEN, once I'm done whining, my Spirit says, "Soldier On." My flesh argues. I am weak. I am mentally done. His deliberate disobedience is so incredibly hard not to personalize. 

"Soldier On. If Paul did his ministry with his thorn then so can you."

Am I calling our friend a thorn? Yes, sometimes he is. Lots of the time he is. Most of the time he is BUT that doesn't change our mission. 

It didn't change it for Paul, in fact I would argue it made him better. 

"Soldier On."

This fostering isn't easy at. all. It is a calling. It is our calling. We didn't do this bc of a message at church or bc of an event. It wasn't like going to a concert and leaving with a Compassion Child. 

I would have quit tonight had this been some quick decision. If this wasn't literally, told to me that we must do this. I would have quit. "The thorn is too much today." Then I would return back to my four kids, carried on about our life and planned some absurd vacation. 

"Soldier On."

Paul had a mission. He was called. It wasn't a warm fuzzy feeling. Warm fuzzies get cold after a while. This was in him to do. It was in Him to grow believers, to teach them, to deal with super apostles, to bridge the gap in the churches he started. 

"Soldier On."

So when you ask me how I'm doing, I really do not know how to answer you. Part of me wants to sit in my closet with mindless books, Netflix, Hulu & Amazon Instant(for variety) and never come out. Part of me wants to say, "I'm over it."

But the part of me that has been called says, "Soldier on bc he is worth it."

One Roller Skate

You know that whole, "If your house is on fire and can only grab 1 thing. What would it be?" scenario? 

That's a real life scenario for foster kids. Here is the foster kid version of that question,  "You can only take to a complete strangers home what will fit in this Walmart sack (or if they are lucky they get a trash bag). What do you take?" 

Our first foster child, I will call BH, came to our home with a trash bag and a "Together We Rise" duffle bag. 

I helped him 'unpack' his trash sack and found 1 roller skate. 

My bio kids asked him, "Why do you only have one skate?" 

I overheard his response, "I didn't have time to look for the other one." The tone in which he spoke, literally broke me.

Talk about making me cry. Still gives me the lump in my throat. 

To this day the vision of that lonely roller skate by my front door will always remind me of the struggle these kids go through. 

When I was 5, 6, 7, 8... Had a stranger come to my home to 'take me' and they had said I could only take a few things, I can't even fathom how that would have felt or what I would have grabbed! 

Our new friend, AG, came to us with 2 pairs of jeans, one he was wearing and another that was too big, two shirts, one plain white and one that was too small, two shoes, one pair nice and one pair too big. 

That's all!

No socks.

No underwear.

No toothbrush.

No toys.

He is 6.

One roller skate.

Such an odd thing but will always remind me why we are doing this. 

An Attack The Size of a Kidney Stone

I'm not sure how you feel about spiritual warfare but I am a firm believer.

If you are a follower of Christ, there will be attacks at least there should be! They don't have to be big as the devil works in the big and small things.

Good Friday our friend left.

Easter Sunday I spent in watching my incredibly tough husband writher in pain from a kidney stone. So we booked a night at St. Francis so he could get the thing blasted and taken out because it was too big to pass. Not a night at the Hilton but he was fine, the kids were fine, I was fine so ulitmatley everything was going to be fine.

It was an attack. A blatant attack on my family. A 'kick you in the crotch spit on your neck fantastic' attack.

Even as type this my youngest two who normally are pretty chill while we wait for the big kids after school, are currenlty freaking out.

It is an attack. No harm done but it is still an attack.

I'm grateful this happened after our friend left. I see that as protection, a blessing.

So now what?

Matt is on the mend. While we were in the hospital, someone joked about they heard of an angel that is good at rolling stones away. We had a good chuckle at that it being Easter and all.

We plan to take a few weeks off of fostering to now let Matt heal, do some things as a family and just be still for a moment.

Purpose

I've had people imply that we will take time to evaluate if we want to venture down this path again now that we know the end result and the pain it brings...

Let me take this back a few steps to give some insight.

The reason we are doing this is because we were told to. The Holy Spirit was very clear to me.

Since the whole reason is for Christ and He told us to do this then we will obey.

I have no doubt that if after Christ rose from the grave and someone, maybe Peter had asked Him, "So knowing now what you know now... Would you do it all again?"

I'm sure Jesus would have said with a smile, "But of course! My Father asked and I will obey. My Father has great plans for me and you. I must obey because my obedience changes the world. So absolutely I would do it again, because beyond the pain, beyond the stares and the whispers, beyond the darkness awaits beauty, awaits Heaven. If I don't obey, I miss out on the Promise and so do YOU!"

My heart is hurting big time. One of my children is incredibly sad. Another is hiding it. Two others don't understand.

But yes, yes we will do this again. This wasn't a trial run. It wasn't practice to see if we enjoyed it!

We will take time just the six of us to recover. Our definition of normal NOW is what most find strange and what most find normal we can't live in that zone of life anymore. Normal for us is weird to the world. I look at your normal and find it weird.

So we will use this time between the race we just ran to recover, to cross train, to refocus.

It's a race friends. Run it with PURPOSE!

My Cross

"Take up your cross... Daily."

The words my very wise Bible Study leader shared with me when I told her we had a foster child.

Her teaching was huge in our decision to even begin this journey. Christ really spoke to me through His Word via her.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. The day my Jesus carried His cross and later that day gave up his life on it, for me. For our friend. For you. 

Tomorrow on Good Friday, I will rise out of bed, put on my pajama pants, my socks, brush my teeth, put in my contacts and grab my cross. 

I will take three kids to school but only two will come home to eat dinner with us.

Matt and I will pray over our friend and then  we watch him leave. 

My heart hurts but that is the burden of the cross and my burden is nothing compared to what Christ did on His that very Good Friday.

The great thing about daily carrying your cross is it changes you. It is heavy so you become strong. It is splintery so you grow in persistence. The splinters serve as a painful reminder. They add to our beauty. 

My whole family has been forever changed by one nine year old boy. 

Everyone says we helped him but in all fairness to what he brought to the table, he helped us. 

We grew. We learned. We listened. We obeyed. We are closer. 

So this weekend, as you don your fancy Easter outfit, fancy jewelry and eat a nice lunch. Don't leave your cross at home. 

Grab it, carry it, let it change you. The pain of following Christ and his calling hurts but oh what a joy it has been. What a celebration it was in Heaven three days later when the stone was rolled away. 

Don't miss out on His goodness, His mercy because you won't carry your cross. 

Surrender your fears, your hesitation, your comfort.

I promise He shows up.

The Hurt

"I could never do foster care because it would be so hard when they leave."

That is what I hear a lot.

I was told today that our friend could leave this weekend which is a few days away. My heart is hurting. My heart is wishing we had more time. More time to teach him about Jesus, more time for Matt to hug him, more time for him to hug me, more time for him to learn to read, more time...

But we don't have more time. We have lesss time than I thought we would have.

Yes, my heart is going to hurt when he leaves us. My kids will miss him. Matt will miss him. My house will feel less full and it will be hard BUT this isnt about me or Matt or the kids.

This is fully and wholly about Christ. So for Christ, I will pack his bags, hopefully give him a hug, pray over him and watch him leave.

So yes, I, Megan Knox, could never do foster care because it would be so hard when they leave but Christ has told us to do this and this we will do. We will allow the hurt to grow us, to change us, to make us better.

Really the rest of you are missing out.

Happy Birthday

Today is our friend's birthday.

Most kids begin counting down to their birthday from the day they have their birthday.

He didn't know.

As soon as Cooper woke up, the first words out of his mouth were a groggy, "Happy birthday, (said his name)."

He didn't even react. I don't think he knew how to react.

My MIL came by today with his present. It was fun to watch him open it, to see him smile.

The biggest smile came when he saw the rice bag she made him.

Then all 5 kids and myself loaded up and headed to Sky Zone...

Five red, sweaty faces completely worn out is my idea of a successful morning.

Tonight, Matt comes home, we will let our friend pick dinner (my bet is on pizza), we will have ice cream and he will get his present from us; Legos, clothes, hot wheels.

He came with nothing.

He will leave with Jesus seeds in his heart and a box full of love.

One Month

It's been a month since our lives got flipped turned upside down...

It's been a month of feeling we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing.

It's been a month of constant teeth grinding... on my part.

It's been a month of not watching TV at night but reading books.

It's been a month of adjusting.

It's been a month.

It's been a month of watching a broken child grow.

It's been a month of watching a child who had no idea what church was like, what a Bible was or what praying sounded like, hearing him memorize Scripture.

It's been a month of humility.

It's been a month of sacrifice.

It's been a month of knowing my children will forever be changed.

It's been a month of knowing Matt and I will forever be changed.

It's been a month of feeling Christ closer than ever.

It's been a month of Grace.

It's been a month of unknown.

It's been a month of planting seeds.

It's been a month of Hope.

Forks & Spoons

Four forks.
Three spoons.
Four knives.

Four dinner plates.
Three appetizer like plates.
Two bowls.

That about rounds out our collection of dishes for the past eleven years.

When we moved to Tulsa, I bought four more spoons for roughly $1.00.

We've used those cheap, seasonal plastic plates and bowls for the past two years.

My point in giving my kitchen inventory?

It shows how many people we have had in our home.

We have hosted Christmas a few times, but used plastic stuff.

I went to the store recently to buy more plates and bowls. I struck out but managed to get more forks and spoons. Real forks and real spoons.

All of this to say, let's open our homes, our silverware drawers to others. Let's gather and welcome complete strangers to break bread.

If it's on plastic plates, that's ok. And I can say that because we still have them. haha

The Call

"Why are you fidgeting?" Matt whispered while the guest speaker was preaching.
"Because God is calling me out and I want to pull a Jonah and bolt."

Foster Care.

The tug at my heart and been getting stronger and stronger. Also, FYI, tugs at the heart get loud, in case you were curious, if there was a noise. There is.

During that service, I knew what we had to do.

The following Monday, I sent the email. The ball is now rolling.
I look back to all the events, messages, meetings that led us here. It's like an onion of events; layer upon layer. God was building my confidence that when He did give my heart the fidgets there would be no doubt as to what He was saying.

"I think we need to start the process to foster." I hesitantly told Matt.
"Ok."

He couldn't have been more matter of fact. He said "Ok." with such ease that I thought he was being nice and agreeing to his wife. "Uhh you ok with this?"
"Yep!"

He knew my heart was hearing from God and he wasn't going to argue.

Lots of paper work.. Like a ton of paper work. Lots of hours watching online training videos. Lots of questions. Lots of vulnerability.

A handful of months later, we are approved and a week later the phone begins to ring...