Friday, June 23, 2017

Onion Layers

Once at FCA Camp, there was a challenge to eat gross things. I drew a raw white onion.

I began taking big bites out of it like it was a red delicious apple. UGH! I can still remember the whole thing! So gross.

That whole day and night I had horrible heartburn. Literally, felt like fire in my chest.

I didn't finish the onion.

Too many layers.

It isn't made to be eaten whole.

I've compared foster care to onions, in a FB post. Layers upon layers of eye watering stuff. The deeper into the onion you go the more your eyes water. The outer layer is the cute, cuddly, easy stuff.

I've promised to discuss these raw inner layers of foster care, even when they make your eyes water and mine.


My previous post was about Little Girl and her lack of attachment to really anyone.

Good News: She has attached to me.
Bad News: She has attached to me.

During our bio visit today, which is a whole layer on its own, Little Girl began to cry.  I let it happen for a few minutes. She began to get very upset so I offered to help. As soon as she was in my arms she got quiet. I saw mom's eyes get watery.

She is tasting the raw onion.

I gave her back to her mom.

Little Girl lost her mind again, gagging, screaming and clawing to get out of the arms of her mom.

There is this invisible line of wanting to let them figure it out and Little Girl not being able to calm down. That line I've yet to worry about until today.

I asked if they wanted me to take her and mom said, "Well it's you she wants anyways."

The change in Little Girl was night and day. She immediately stopped crying, took her bottle and fell right to sleep.

Mom cried.

"This attachment just happened about a week ago. The good news is she has attached to someone and now she knows she can."

"Yeah but when we get her back we will just destroy that attachment." Mom says bawling.

"This is true."

Mom is still crying. I got LG to sleep and handed her off to her mom. Mom just held her daughter who has no idea who she is and cried. "That bond we had is gone."

"I can not imagine the pain you feel. I can't."

I held it together and cried at the kid's swim lessons. I am heartbroken & grateful & happy all at the same time. All the layers. So raw, so painful.

I watched a mom feel and see that bond shatter before her eyes. In that very moment she realized the child she loves has not a clue who she is. She is a stranger to her daughter.

I don't know what future visits hold. LG might be just fine but today showed that things are not fine.

Today was a big ole bite of a raw onion.