Practical Atheist

The funeral for my friend, John, was this past Sunday in Liberal, KS. The whole family loaded up on Saturday, with our newly purchased portable DVD player for Chloe, and headed up to the lesser known 'No-Man's Land.' aka Oklahoma Panhandle.


The service was Sunday afternoon. Matt drove around town with the kids while I attended the service. I have been wanting to share what I learned during the funeral, but I am struggling with elegance in my approach to sharing; I can't find the words. So if this is choppy and contains many run-on sentences and possibly makes no sense at times, please try and open your heart to receive what I'm trying to say, not how I say it.

John, was a true Christian.

What do I mean? Well, everything he did represented the body of Christ to the 'nth' degree. Many stories were shared during the funeral of how John had impacted their life. The first young man, I say young he was college age, to speak, was from Turpin. He spoke of when he was a freshman and John was a senior. John was always nice to him. John would spend about 5 minutes just saying hi to this young man. The young man proceeded to say, "Now 5 minutes may me nothing to all of you, BUT what you don't know is that 5 minutes changed my life. John led me to Christ."

I lost it when those words came out of his mouth. Another guy got up there and said, "John, helped me re-dedicate my life to Christ."

As I sat there, tears rolling, I began to feel this nudge. Over the clanking dentures noise from man to my right, I was able to discern God's voice, "Megan do you get it now? Do you feel me pushing you?" It makes me tear up just thinking about it.

See my church, LifeChurch.tv, has been doing a series called Practical Atheist. Go to their website to see what it's about. I'd explain, but this would be too long of a post.

I've been asking myself lately, "Megan have you been a practical atheist?" I've been asking God, "God, am I guilty of this sin? God, I raised my hand to confess b/c I'm sure I'm guilty, but I don't know how."

So I'm sitting, listening and crying. "I HEAR YOU GOD! I GET IT NOW!! I'M GUILTY! I HAVE BEEN A PRACTICAL ATHEIST!!"

John had this unspoken way of challenging you as a Christian.

While sitting there, I could feel John and God challenging every single person sitting there. I felt this need to help pick up where John left off, but it was going to take every person in that church to make up for the loss of the one; John. It's going to take all 3 to 400 people to pick up where John left off.

I realized in that very moment- I am a slacker! I posted recently about needing a challenge. Well, I asked and God responded like clock work. The challenge was there right in front of me. I wasn't seeing it, so God slapped me with it. I felt like God got a lot of people's/ Christian's attention that day in Liberal, KS. "I heard you God."

I wanted to get up to the mic during the 'open mic' time and say, "Sarah just shared the verse, 'iron sharpens iron', and she was absolutely correct in that John did that to us all. I feel like even though John is not here, he is still challenging us to rise up, to step up. I don't know if you feel it, but I do. I know if John were here right now, he'd be hulled up somewhere reading his Bible or he'd be sharing God with someone. John changed a lot of lives in his short 30 years. Have you done and helped as many people as he? I know I haven't."

I left thinking of a sermon my brother-in-law shared. It was titled, "The Dash."

The whole premise behind it was, "What will be your dash?"

On your gravestone is a dash between your birth and death. People will remember what you did during that short 2-3 inches of life. My dash could end tomorrow. Will people file up to the pulpit and say, "Megan led me to Christ. Megan changed my life. Megan loved the Lord so much. Megan made me a better Christian. Megan is wearing a beautiful crown. Megan is (you fill in the blank with the praise of your choice.)"

Well, person after person filed one after another up on the stage to say those things about John. What a legacy he left. What a challenge.

If you die today, will your dash be filled with praise or just "she was a nice person." How will people define you?

This thought has been bouncing back and forth in my hollow brain since Sunday. It has shaken me to the core. So much, I just feel speechless. I feel unworthy, I feel guilty. I have a lot of work to do, if I am going to catch up to John and he was only a little over a year older than me. What a testament he was.

He will be missed. God did a good job creating him. I'm sorry you didn't get to meet him. If you had, your life would be different.

Oreo's

I gave Chloe an Oreo the other day.

This was the first time she had ever eaten an Oreo.

I drop the cookie on her tray and walk away. A few minutes later, she begins demanding another cookie.

Before getting her another, I notice the remnants of the first Oreo she ate.

I saw two black discs with nothing on them. (She had a mint Oreo, not the regular white cream-filled kind. The mint kind are green.)

I give her the second cookie... I watch. She does the most amazing thing.



How did she know to do that!!! I couldn't believe it. She has never been taught that technique. Neither Matt nor I eat our Oreo's that way.... the craziest thing. They must be born with that 'need' and 'knowledge.' Kind of like knowing how to nurse, poop and cry; a child is born knowing how to eat an Oreo.

The Great Debate

I told Matt the other night that I needed to write a new post, but that nothing seemed important and worthy enough to follow my writings about John.

I feel torn.

Today isn't helping. It started raining around 10:30am. I love the rain. It speaks of peace, reflection, cup of creamer and sitting on the recliner.

(I'm slowly attempting to add humor, bare/bear with me.)

I had some funny posts in my mind, but I feel slightly guilty posting them seeing how a friend of mine is gone.

So my hope is I will put this post up and it will kind of be like a 'go between' if you will, a transition of sorts, into 'Funny Megan.' I promise to return to my obnoxious, slightly annoying, soap box stealing, opinionated, reflective and funny state very soon.

That is if you found me funny before.

There's Life & There's Life

My phone rang around 1:00pm, it was a friend I hadn't spoken with, over the phone, in a long time. We do a quickie 'catch up' convo. and she proceeds to tell me a friend of ours was hit by a train in California and was in critical condition. I knew it couldn't be good.

An hour later, I receive an email letting us know he had passed.

Let me tell you how I feel.

I hadn't spoken with John in quite some time. He would randomly cross my mind through out the past years. I would think, "I wonder how he's doing? I wonder where he is." I recently passed through an area of Tulsa where he once took a group of us to visit his church. I remembered the service, the feeling the church had. It was intimate, it was John.

The first time I met him, I can remember he had this 'thing.' Now I was a Christian, but I remember John had this 'special' bond with God. Whenever he spoke, you had better listen.

John was a singer.

I think this was where he and God found each other; music. I think John felt closer to God when he was in song. Boy could he sing.

He was filled with love.

If you ever said hi to John, he'd give you the biggest smile, a hug and ask you how you were doing-and he meant it. I never saw him in a bad mood.

So today, my group of college buddies mourn the loss of a follower of Christ, a friend, a brother, a son and an uncle.

As I took a shower I thought, "John is in the place that I believe he dreamt of. The places he visioned when he sang. The place he always wanted to be-by Christ worshipping him in song."

I now realize why John was so happy and joyous. As hard as it is to say, and it's easier for me b/c I'm not related, John is living the 'life' he always wanted; to be with Christ.

"Thank you God that through the tears of loss we are able to rejoice. Thank you for that promise."

A Purpose.

At MOPS last week, one of the questions I was to 'toss out there' for all to discuss was basically( I can't remember the exact wording) "What do you feel you have lost about yourself since having kids? How can you get it back?"

I pondered that question while trying to get the women at my table to chime in.

When I got married, I felt like my relationship with Christ changed or I let it become second to my new husband. Before Matt, I knew where I stood, I knew how to find Him.

It took some time and searching, but I finally returned to His feet as Megan Knox formerly known as Megan Pratt.

When we got booted so abruptly, from ranch. I felt like Christ abandoned me. I was unable to remove the knife He put in my back, so I felt, and the knife the director also so graciously inserted. I couldn't reach them on my own. I needed help removing them but, I didn't feel like Christ wanted to remove His knife or Todd's, the director.

I thought, for the LONGEST time, "God put the knife there for a reason. I HAVE to leave it and suffer my 'punishment.'" I felt like I need to punish myself for what happened, so I in turn inserted a knife into my heart and let my body become accustomed to it. "I had to, it's what I deserved."

That all happened in October 2004.

After leaving the ranch, we ended up in Tulsa, in a studio apartment around 400-500 sq. feet. I can remember Matt found a job doing home remodeling. It didn't pay well, but God paid us 'enough.'

I couldn't find comfort in Christ, I mean for crying out loud He betrayed me!! He abandoned me! He hated me! I hated myself! So I found comfort in obsessive running, shopping with a credit card and crying; crying and crying and crying.

It wasn't until October 2005, that I started letting myself be happy again-slowly and cautiously.

When I stand in front of the mirror after getting out of the shower, the scars still remain.

There is only one though.

The one I inflicted upon myself. The one I would not let anyone remove. The one God tried to remove, but I wouldn't let Him.

Daily, I doubted my Salvation. Daily, I doubted if I had truly accepted Christ as my Savior. Daily, I thought, "Did I do 'it' wrong? Did I not get 'fully' accepted b/c I didn't raise my hand? Is my name not written b/c I didn't tell my camp counselor? Does God not know me b/c I can't remember the exact date and time like everyone else?"

Laugh you may, but I thought those thoughts daily. And daily, I'd fall on my knees in the bathroom sooo I'm pretty sure my name is written about 1,000 times; everyday we were in Tulsa. So who's more accepted now?! HUH! (joke)

All of this 'reliving' is leading to a point, I promise.

Since having kids, I have felt the need for something more. The need to 'do' something important. (I know my kids are important, I'm not talking about that.)

I have this tugging at my heart to make a difference if you will. I'm trying to find what my "Kaleo" is. What is God calling me to do?

So sitting in MOPS that day, with that question bouncing back and forth in my hollow brain- I still have no answer.

I've been reading Pioneer Woman's blog. Her husband and two daughters are in the Dominican Republic on a mission with Compassion International. Reading their stories makes me feel antsy, like a racehorse waiting on the gates to fly open. I'm waiting on a race, one that gives me a sense of purpose. The purpose I felt while in college.

I wonder? (Makes me nervous to say this all b/c 'you ask, you shall receive.)

"Please God, start slowly and gentle."

Guess What I Just Saw...

"Guess what I just saw going down the street?" were the 9 words that came out of my mouth when Matt answered his cell phone.

"What did you just see?" He asks expecting me to say 'a car.'
"Guess! It's something you don't see everyday!"
"OK, ummm, a cow?!" (You people laugh, but wait.)
"CLOSE!!! A HORSE!!!"
"A horse!?"
"Ya, a horse, with a man on it."
"Yep, you're right. You don't see that everyday."

Yes, people. My friend, Rachel, came over to say 'hello.' As I was walking her out to her car we see a man on a horse kerpluncking down the street. (clip clop, clip clop)

I say to Rachel, "Well, you don't see that everyday."
She laughed, "No you don't."
"Does he not realize gas is below $2.00?"

He gets closer and I speak to him, "How ya doin'?" I say real country like hoping he'd better understand my twang.
"Atwoods." He says matter of factly.
"Ahh, Atwoods... Of course." I should have known, duh.
As he clip clops off into the non-sunset he yells, "Go to the Veterans parade!!"
I yell back, while only seeing the back of his horse, "Where is it!?"
"Downtown!"
"OK!! THANK YOU!!" I turn to go inside my tee-pee and he yells...
"It's at 10:30!"
"GREAT!! THANKS!!"

As I lit a fire to signal Matt as to my adventure, I thought, "Hmm, maybe I will leave the hut with the children on Saturday when the shadows are on the lawn, and go see more horses. But more importantly, I can cheer and thank the local Veterans.

Hang In There

I just wanted to encourage everybody who is ready for Tuesday to be over with...

"Hang in there. Just turn off your TV tonight, if you're sick of seeing the same ads over and over, eat cake and be merry."

At least by Tuesday night, the ads will be over!