Onion Layers

Once at FCA Camp, there was a challenge to eat gross things. I drew a raw white onion.

I began taking big bites out of it like it was a red delicious apple. UGH! I can still remember the whole thing! So gross.

That whole day and night I had horrible heartburn. Literally, felt like fire in my chest.

I didn't finish the onion.

Too many layers.

It isn't made to be eaten whole.

I've compared foster care to onions, in a FB post. Layers upon layers of eye watering stuff. The deeper into the onion you go the more your eyes water. The outer layer is the cute, cuddly, easy stuff.

I've promised to discuss these raw inner layers of foster care, even when they make your eyes water and mine.

Attachment.

My previous post was about Little Girl and her lack of attachment to really anyone.

Good News: She has attached to me.
Bad News: She has attached to me.

During our bio visit today, which is a whole layer on its own, Little Girl began to cry.  I let it happen for a few minutes. She began to get very upset so I offered to help. As soon as she was in my arms she got quiet. I saw mom's eyes get watery.

She is tasting the raw onion.

I gave her back to her mom.

Little Girl lost her mind again, gagging, screaming and clawing to get out of the arms of her mom.

There is this invisible line of wanting to let them figure it out and Little Girl not being able to calm down. That line I've yet to worry about until today.

I asked if they wanted me to take her and mom said, "Well it's you she wants anyways."

The change in Little Girl was night and day. She immediately stopped crying, took her bottle and fell right to sleep.

Mom cried.

"This attachment just happened about a week ago. The good news is she has attached to someone and now she knows she can."

"Yeah but when we get her back we will just destroy that attachment." Mom says bawling.

"This is true."

Mom is still crying. I got LG to sleep and handed her off to her mom. Mom just held her daughter who has no idea who she is and cried. "That bond we had is gone."

"I can not imagine the pain you feel. I can't."

I held it together and cried at the kid's swim lessons. I am heartbroken & grateful & happy all at the same time. All the layers. So raw, so painful.

I watched a mom feel and see that bond shatter before her eyes. In that very moment she realized the child she loves has not a clue who she is. She is a stranger to her daughter.

I don't know what future visits hold. LG might be just fine but today showed that things are not fine.

Today was a big ole bite of a raw onion.

Koala Effect

We’ve had Little Girl for almost two months.

When we first got her, I noticed she held her arms straight out when being held. She wouldn’t grab my shirt or hold me back.

“Gosh, she just lets anyone hold her.” Ive heard that said a quite a few times. I just thought, “I know. She is so sweet.”

After a Knox family event a few nights ago, we got home past her bedtime. We followed her regular routine but around 10:00p, I could tell her legs were restless. I put her in the exersaucer and she just jumped and jumped and jumped. 

I laughed because she goes into her own little world when she is in jumping mode. It is her release. She loves to jump after a long day, a visit with bios or if we have been around a lot of people. As I’m watching her jump, it dawned on me…

… She has no one she trusts. No one she has attached to. This is why she doesn’t ‘hold back’ when being held. I bet she feels all alone. She doesn’t cry or seem worried when we drop her off at church. She doesn’t seem concerned when friends hold her.

She doesn’t ‘hold back.’

Can you imagine being 9 months old and having no one you are sad to be without? No fear of new faces. No tears when left in a nursery. 

Alone. 

Attached to know one. 

As I’m watching her jump, my heart broke for hers. My heart cried to Jesus to always show Himself to her. That she will never feel alone. That she can cling to Him and never let go, that she will know He will never leave her. That He has been there since before she was conceived. That He loves her. That His heart is broken for her. 

Truth is, I hold her but I’m scared too. I’m scared of her holding me back. I’m scared of her crying when I leave her in the nursery. I’m scared of going all in and her leaving but I am called to do just that. Matt and I are called to hold her. I don’t know what the future looks like or how long she will be with us. 

I do my best thinking in the shower and tonight as I was pondering in my Spirit this holding back thing, I felt Him tell me, “Megan, you have to be all in.” So here is me, going all in knowing my heart will be ripped to shreds but He told me and I will obey. 

Because she needs to know that she isn’t alone and there are people worth holding onto. 

Sad Heart

My heart has been sad.

I've been asked about foster care a few times lately. It has been one year since we had our first placement.

I miss him a lot.

His birthday is coming up. That makes me sad.

The kids listened to "Radioactive" on repeat a few days ago and it made me sad. It was his favorite song.

I found myself praying this morning that he would come back then I felt terrible for praying that. My heart was genuine in that I worry about him. I want him to grow up and know how to read and feel special because he is. I want him to break the cycle. Odds are stacked against him though.

So yeah, my family misses him. I have no doubt that if he walked in our door tonight that my kids would be all over him. His room is painted in a color we let him pick out.

Saying goodbye is hard and worth it.... I guess it is the not knowing if they are safe that hurts the heart so much.

Anyways, we are still working on paperwork. I'm slow. We are trying to figure out which age group to take. Such a hard decision. It might be perfectly clear and I'm plugging my ears saying, "lalalalala i can't hear you..." haha

We live in a fallen world friends. A world full of evil, pain and sadness.

"But take heart. I have overcome the world." -Jesus.