Koala Effect

We’ve had Little Girl for almost two months.

When we first got her, I noticed she held her arms straight out when being held. She wouldn’t grab my shirt or hold me back.

“Gosh, she just lets anyone hold her.” Ive heard that said a quite a few times. I just thought, “I know. She is so sweet.”

After a Knox family event a few nights ago, we got home past her bedtime. We followed her regular routine but around 10:00p, I could tell her legs were restless. I put her in the exersaucer and she just jumped and jumped and jumped. 

I laughed because she goes into her own little world when she is in jumping mode. It is her release. She loves to jump after a long day, a visit with bios or if we have been around a lot of people. As I’m watching her jump, it dawned on me…

… She has no one she trusts. No one she has attached to. This is why she doesn’t ‘hold back’ when being held. I bet she feels all alone. She doesn’t cry or seem worried when we drop her off at church. She doesn’t seem concerned when friends hold her.

She doesn’t ‘hold back.’

Can you imagine being 9 months old and having no one you are sad to be without? No fear of new faces. No tears when left in a nursery. 

Alone. 

Attached to know one. 

As I’m watching her jump, my heart broke for hers. My heart cried to Jesus to always show Himself to her. That she will never feel alone. That she can cling to Him and never let go, that she will know He will never leave her. That He has been there since before she was conceived. That He loves her. That His heart is broken for her. 

Truth is, I hold her but I’m scared too. I’m scared of her holding me back. I’m scared of her crying when I leave her in the nursery. I’m scared of going all in and her leaving but I am called to do just that. Matt and I are called to hold her. I don’t know what the future looks like or how long she will be with us. 

I do my best thinking in the shower and tonight as I was pondering in my Spirit this holding back thing, I felt Him tell me, “Megan, you have to be all in.” So here is me, going all in knowing my heart will be ripped to shreds but He told me and I will obey. 

Because she needs to know that she isn’t alone and there are people worth holding onto.