Onion Layers

Once at FCA Camp, there was a challenge to eat gross things. I drew a raw white onion.

I began taking big bites out of it like it was a red delicious apple. UGH! I can still remember the whole thing! So gross.

That whole day and night I had horrible heartburn. Literally, felt like fire in my chest.

I didn't finish the onion.

Too many layers.

It isn't made to be eaten whole.

I've compared foster care to onions, in a FB post. Layers upon layers of eye watering stuff. The deeper into the onion you go the more your eyes water. The outer layer is the cute, cuddly, easy stuff.

I've promised to discuss these raw inner layers of foster care, even when they make your eyes water and mine.

Attachment.

My previous post was about Little Girl and her lack of attachment to really anyone.

Good News: She has attached to me.
Bad News: She has attached to me.

During our bio visit today, which is a whole layer on its own, Little Girl began to cry.  I let it happen for a few minutes. She began to get very upset so I offered to help. As soon as she was in my arms she got quiet. I saw mom's eyes get watery.

She is tasting the raw onion.

I gave her back to her mom.

Little Girl lost her mind again, gagging, screaming and clawing to get out of the arms of her mom.

There is this invisible line of wanting to let them figure it out and Little Girl not being able to calm down. That line I've yet to worry about until today.

I asked if they wanted me to take her and mom said, "Well it's you she wants anyways."

The change in Little Girl was night and day. She immediately stopped crying, took her bottle and fell right to sleep.

Mom cried.

"This attachment just happened about a week ago. The good news is she has attached to someone and now she knows she can."

"Yeah but when we get her back we will just destroy that attachment." Mom says bawling.

"This is true."

Mom is still crying. I got LG to sleep and handed her off to her mom. Mom just held her daughter who has no idea who she is and cried. "That bond we had is gone."

"I can not imagine the pain you feel. I can't."

I held it together and cried at the kid's swim lessons. I am heartbroken & grateful & happy all at the same time. All the layers. So raw, so painful.

I watched a mom feel and see that bond shatter before her eyes. In that very moment she realized the child she loves has not a clue who she is. She is a stranger to her daughter.

I don't know what future visits hold. LG might be just fine but today showed that things are not fine.

Today was a big ole bite of a raw onion.

Koala Effect

We’ve had Little Girl for almost two months.

When we first got her, I noticed she held her arms straight out when being held. She wouldn’t grab my shirt or hold me back.

“Gosh, she just lets anyone hold her.” Ive heard that said a quite a few times. I just thought, “I know. She is so sweet.”

After a Knox family event a few nights ago, we got home past her bedtime. We followed her regular routine but around 10:00p, I could tell her legs were restless. I put her in the exersaucer and she just jumped and jumped and jumped. 

I laughed because she goes into her own little world when she is in jumping mode. It is her release. She loves to jump after a long day, a visit with bios or if we have been around a lot of people. As I’m watching her jump, it dawned on me…

… She has no one she trusts. No one she has attached to. This is why she doesn’t ‘hold back’ when being held. I bet she feels all alone. She doesn’t cry or seem worried when we drop her off at church. She doesn’t seem concerned when friends hold her.

She doesn’t ‘hold back.’

Can you imagine being 9 months old and having no one you are sad to be without? No fear of new faces. No tears when left in a nursery. 

Alone. 

Attached to know one. 

As I’m watching her jump, my heart broke for hers. My heart cried to Jesus to always show Himself to her. That she will never feel alone. That she can cling to Him and never let go, that she will know He will never leave her. That He has been there since before she was conceived. That He loves her. That His heart is broken for her. 

Truth is, I hold her but I’m scared too. I’m scared of her holding me back. I’m scared of her crying when I leave her in the nursery. I’m scared of going all in and her leaving but I am called to do just that. Matt and I are called to hold her. I don’t know what the future looks like or how long she will be with us. 

I do my best thinking in the shower and tonight as I was pondering in my Spirit this holding back thing, I felt Him tell me, “Megan, you have to be all in.” So here is me, going all in knowing my heart will be ripped to shreds but He told me and I will obey. 

Because she needs to know that she isn’t alone and there are people worth holding onto. 

Sad Heart

My heart has been sad.

I've been asked about foster care a few times lately. It has been one year since we had our first placement.

I miss him a lot.

His birthday is coming up. That makes me sad.

The kids listened to "Radioactive" on repeat a few days ago and it made me sad. It was his favorite song.

I found myself praying this morning that he would come back then I felt terrible for praying that. My heart was genuine in that I worry about him. I want him to grow up and know how to read and feel special because he is. I want him to break the cycle. Odds are stacked against him though.

So yeah, my family misses him. I have no doubt that if he walked in our door tonight that my kids would be all over him. His room is painted in a color we let him pick out.

Saying goodbye is hard and worth it.... I guess it is the not knowing if they are safe that hurts the heart so much.

Anyways, we are still working on paperwork. I'm slow. We are trying to figure out which age group to take. Such a hard decision. It might be perfectly clear and I'm plugging my ears saying, "lalalalala i can't hear you..." haha

We live in a fallen world friends. A world full of evil, pain and sadness.

"But take heart. I have overcome the world." -Jesus.

Paperwork Wins

The kids are out of school. I kicked them outside since it is relatively warm and I am not here to entertain them or take them all over Tulsa because they are bored. I want to be bored!

I say that but after I kicked them outside I grabbed the novel of paper work needed to fill out for foster care stuff.

I learned a month ago that the paper work we filled out a year ago has to be filled out again after a year.

A YEAR!

Doctors don't have to take their big test every year. They just stay current and up to date with their education and I'm guessing certain certifications and they put their hands INSIDE bodies!

Here I am filling out background checks (which i thought were good for 3 years), signing agreements, signing rules, notifications and verifications, profiles, filling out 'general info.' I'll need to schedule doctor visits for all 6 of us, never mind the fact that some aren't due for a well-check and I don't want to be told "scoot down to the edge of the table" in 2017! I have to give my income statements which doesn't show how much of a strain fostering actually is on your bank account.

Do I sound perturbed? I am!

Here is my personality; when I think something is dumb or a complete waste of time. I general go into refusal mode. I stand my ground and refuse to conform to the stupidity of whatever the stupid thing is that stupid people are asking of me. Some things make sense; insurance, vaccs, pet vaccs.. Stuff like that I get. I can even conform to the background check every year but this?! This is ludicrous. I have a hard time believing that those foster families that get arrested for abuse did alllll this paperwork every. single. year? Doubtful.

So here I am, looking at what seems like 1 million pieces of paper and I'm gonna fill out every last damn one of them. But mind you! I will be REALLY pissed off the whole time at whoever thought this was needed to be done every. damn. year.

I can see how people get to the "I've had enough." phase of fostering and call it good. It would be easier for me to toss a deuce and be over it. Believe me, I tried. Matt said we should fill all this out. I might have huffed and internally pouted at his answer. I was expecting him to give me the out so I could use all this paper for kindling. Ohh and it would be good kindling but I'd also be burning the hope of humans. Little humans.

What does our future hold for fostering? I have absolutely no idea. What age will we be open for? I have absolutely no idea. The kids have asked if we will foster again. They are ready. I'm not. I'm scared. I'm comfortable! I'm happy.

The last kid was more than we could deal with and when he left, he left us in ruins. He came in and set the whole place on fire and laughed as he left. Matt and I had to reconnect. Matt and I had to reconnect with the kids. We had to reconnect with Jesus.

But it is the first kid, BH, that we had with us that has me filling out a stupid amount of paperwork.

He was worth it.

Post Thanksgiving 2016

"Did you have a good Thanksgiving?"

I know this question is the holiday version of, "How are you?" or "Nice weather we are having."

In the past, I gave the typical, "It was good!" While raising my eyebrows and voice for umph and to come across sincere.

I can remember a few Thanksgivings in my past... One last year, wasn't so awesome. The one soon after my parents split was horrible and I opted to be the gal to show up to work A&F all day and night just to avoid the awkwardness. There was the one when my Grandmother said something rude to me about my mother. (This was post divorce.) It hurt so bad and the turkey tasted different from then on. It is amazing how dark events can almost completely overshadow good. I thought this Thanksgiving would be spent in mourning, grieving. I thought it would be a dark sad day.

So when people ask, "Did you have a good Thanksgiving?"

I want to scream, "HELL YEAH I DID!"

It was one of the best ever. It was a Thanksgiving that felt new. It felt like a gift.

It WAS a gift!

As Matt and I were getting ready to leave the house for his parent's, I said, "You realize your Dad shouldn't be here today?"
"Yep."

I will treasure these two days in November for the rest of my life.

Pretty sure each person in that house, above the age of 18, will treasure this Thanksgiving for the rest of their life.

What will Christmas look like? I have no idea. I DO KNOW, don't take for granted those gathered around the table. Reality is, no one in my family thought my FIL would be here. The humbling truth is that any one of us could be the empty plate for the next family gathering.

By the way, I hugged 5 people over this holiday. Well, 6 if you count a friend that 'hug greeted' me at church this morning.... I'm sure there were some rogue hugs in there somewhere.

Thanksgiving 2016

People often ask if I am ready for Thanksgiving or if we have plans...
Four years ago, this was the Knox crew.

We now have 1 more grandkid, 1 in college, nearly all 15 in school, job changes, lots of Tooth Fairy visits aaaaand cancer. A lot can change in four seemingly simple years.

This year, when you expected an empty plate at the table and now that plate will hold food? You are READY for Thanksgiving and your plans are SIMPLE.

Who am i kidding, our plans are simple every year but this year will be a lot of attempting to imprint memories on our hearts.

When my kids were little, I would go in their rooms and watch them sleep. I would sit there and stare in an effort save those moments in my heart, my soul.

It is so hard and even as I type this, I can't truly 'feel' that feeling I felt in those late hours staring at my kids. It is like a breath-taking sunset, your heart sings in the moment but once the sun sets, you can't remember exactly what the sunset looked like, only that it was amazing & your heart was incredibly happy and at peace.

The Knox crew will gather on Friday, hold hands and I will overcome my dislike for holding clammy kid hands(for this moment) to pray and sing,

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures here below, Praise him above ye heavenly host, Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen"

I will eat lots of food.

I will listen to the men and kids play moon.

I will watch my family like a sunset and pray it imprints on my heart forever.

Orphan Sunday

Today was Orphan Sunday at church.

This means we have been with Jenks First Baptist for one year! 

Sitting there, listening to the pastor and thinking how this time last year we were working through our foster care classes. 

As the year ends, we will have had two kiddos in our house since we joined Jenks FBC. 

One thing struck me though, that needs to be pointed out in a weekend geared mainly to adoption...

Not all kids need adopting. 

But all kids need love, support & safety. 

Adoption isn't something we have felt called to do. Maybe one day but I haven't been told to do that yet. We may never be called to adopt a child but I know for sure our hearts are called to reunify families. Just because a child is in foster care doesn't mean he/she needs saving, it means he/she just needs help while their 'people' get help or work a program. Sure, some in foster care do indeed need a forever home!!

I don't know... I just don't want people to think all kids in care need to take your last name. 

Standing at the table in the lobby with my friends that have adopted.. there were 3 of them and between them, they have adopted 9 kids. 

Maybe you don't feel that tug to adopt but you feel that urge to give kids a safe place and a warm bed and food for a period of time. THAT is needed TOO!! 

I was sitting in church, wanting to yell to everyone that there is another way to help kids in crisis. It takes those called to adopt and those called to reunify. It takes those praying and those that can run errands. It takes the church. The church once had a roll in taking care of orphans. We need to return to that.

This started as a FB post so forgive the lack of structure.