I am a Recovering Christian Atheist

“The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” -Brennan Manning

Back in November, Craig, my preacher, did a series titled "Practical Atheist." I remembered how good it was, so over the past few days, I've been listening to the podcast of those messages

Some of you may know already, but I've been off my MS drugs since Mid-February. We are wanting another kid and my doctor doesn't want me on my meds while we are trying. Since then, I have felt this need for everything to go fast, "Chop, chop, chop." I need to get prego by this date, I need to have the baby by this date, I need to start my meds again by this date and on and on and on.

The past few days, I've been going back over and listening to some of Craig's sermons. He has a book coming out next week titled, "The Christian Atheist." In preparation for the book, I've been listening to his series called "Practical Atheist." It's such a good series, please please please listen to it.

Today, I was working in my mini flowerbed, listening to the Number 2 part of the series. It was then, while incorporating poo smelling dirt into the regular soil, that God hit me over the head with what felt like a shovel, had to have been.

"Megan, when you were diagnosed with MS you trusted me with your health. Why not now?"

OUCH!

At that moment, after I asked God to please drop the shovel, I realized my Practical Atheism!

I will trust Him there, but not here. I will trust him to get me through this disease, BUUUT I won't/ can't trust Him to get me pregnant, or keep my symptoms at bay while off my meds. I can't trust that His timing is perfect, mine is better. I haven't trusted him since Mid-February.

I deserve to be vomited out of His mouth. What a traitor I have been.

I say, "God I trust you here, but ya know what I don't really think you're gonna come through for me in (Fill in the blank) area."

I feel embarrassed today. I have been walking around moping (mow-ping) because I'm not sure if I'm pregnant. I've told Matt and others, "If I don't get pregnant in March, then I think I'm done trying."

What an IDIOT!

When I look back on things that have happened in my life, lets use MS as an example. When I look back to the day in Claremore that I had my first serious episode, and how many doctors could not figure out what in the tarnation was wrong with me, I was frustrated.

But looking back, God had it all planned perfectly! Perfectly! Had I got diagnosed then, my insurance company would not have covered me today. It would have been deemed 'pre-existing.' All the things in life that are perfect because God timed it just right. Now I want to all of the sudden call the shots? Geez louise.

*big sigh*

If I have caused you to doubt this amazing God, because of my whining, please forgive me. If I begin whining again, tell me to 'shut my pie hole.'