The Sun Is OUT.... Ohh now it's gone.

So the sun has been out off and on this morning!! I love the rain, but after a few days of darkness I become dark inside. I get grouchy and lazy and slightly depressed. It's really weird. I don't think I could live in Alaska.

I finally decided to completely give up pumping/breastfeeding. My last pump was on Tuesday. Yesterday was painful, so I had to pump a little out. Then this morning one boob was fine and the other was hard as a rock and it hurt so bad, so I had to let Coop help me out a little. He hadn't nursed in over a month and he new exactly what to do; like riding a bike I guess.

I kept having this inner battle while laying in bed last night, "Am I making the right decision?"

When I woke up this morning, I felt ok with my decision. I'm sad but I think I would be sad if I quit today or in 2 months. I never felt this sort of indecisiveness with Chloe. I think it's just a different relationship Cooper and I have. I feel closer to him in a different way than I feel to Chloe. I guess it's the whole dynamics of mother-son and mother-daughter relationships. Just like Matt's relationship with the both of them is different.

I'm looking forward to getting my small boobs back.

(This is why he has no bumper!)

I spent yesterday making a tutu for Chloe. I started Wednesday night and finished it yesterday. Did she want to wear it after I got done making it? NO!! So who did she want to wear it?

Elmo!

In A Fog

Do you ever have those days where you are so tired you wish your kid(s) could and would watch Sesame Street or TV all day long?

Today was one of those days.

I got up early this morning; 7:50. That's early for me. I wanted to attempt to get some 'things' done before the kids got up ie, drink a cup of coffee, pump, make breakfast, eat and possibly read. As soon as my alarm went off and I got up, I could hear a stirring in Cooper's room; he was already awake. So I pump and that's all I could get done. About 8:20, I finish and get Cooper. He had pooped, no wonder he was awake.

I feed him, he poops again. I change him again.

I start to get Chloe's breakfast ready and I am going to bake myself some muffins. There's only literally 1 cup of milk left. Do I sacrifice and give it to Chloe or do I make her sacrifice? She can have juice. If I give her that last cup of milk I won't have anything to eat. (We need to go to the store, but have been putting it off.) I make her take one for the team; I use the milk.

Sesame Street comes on at 9:00am. Chloe and I curl up in the recliner around 9:45. I just want to sit there all day and not move.

A friends calls and invites us over. I say yes, but I really just want to go to sleep, but that isn't possible so I should at least get out and maybe that will help.

I grab a huge travel mug and fill it up with creamer and a shot of coffee and head over to her house. Chloe does some things that would normally lead to never being invited over again. I see her do these things and I re-act, but probably not how I should have. I am just too tired to even care. I try to get on to her best I know how. (She hit their dog in the head with a toy.)

We go outside and I see her, but I'm kind of out of it. Thankfully the other mom would tell her when she shouldn't do something.

Just one of those days. I tried drinking creamer and coffee, but that didn't work!

If this entry is odd, it's because my mind quit working at approximately 7:50 this morning and I can't find the ON switch.

Has Anyone Seen My Political Soapbox?

There it is, thanks.

So I'm back on it again, that soapbox of mine. I'm sure many of you own soapboxes, you just may not use them as I choose to use mine. That's fine, I don't hold it against you, so don't hold it against me when I step up on mine. I've said before that I am a journaler. I love to write things down and since this blog, I now enjoy typing things down; much faster.

The topic I am undertaking while on my soapbox? POLITICS! (oohh, aahh, boo, hiss, gasp, click on the next blog, talk about me you may)

I'm just going to lay it all out there, I mean I chose to get up here in the first place, so I will not hold anything back.

I have decided that I really like Palin; the VP nominee from Alaska.

I don't really agree with McCain or Obama, but I like that Palin is 100% pro-life. That alone is enough to get my vote. I, personally, can't vote for someone who is pro-choice. Does the fact that her 17 year old daughter is pregnant? No. Why? Because my sister got pregnant at 16, does that mean my mother was a bad mom b/c she chose to work instead of staying home with my sister and I? No. Has anyone thought about the fact that Palin's daughter didn't get pregnant with out help. My Chloe Joy may come home one evening and break the very same news to her father and I. (I pray that doesn't happen.) Or Cooper Matthew could come home and say his girlfriend is pregnant. The same could happen to you, even though you raised them differently. I just like her and it doesn't bother me that she chooses to work.

There is much more I could say about how I feel, but I'll move on to my next topic.

OPRAH. (oooh, aahh, gasp, boo, hiss, Oh no she di' 'int) Oh yes I did.

I've been straddling the fence on my like or dislike of Oprah, long before campaigns. I don't care that she supports Obama; I mean really isn't that expected? I don't care about the fact that she was boohooing her eyes out during his speech; isn't that expected as well? (*cough* yes) Should she be required to have Palin on her show? Absolutely not! Has she had Obama on? Yes. Was it before he was running for Pres.? Yes. Does it really matter? To me, yes. It just proved to me that Oprah is slightly partial to say the least. I will say, with much caution and nervous fingers, Oprah is pro-women until something better comes along: an African American man. (Oh no she di' 'int just say that.) I'm afraid I did. Take it or leave it, but like I said this is my journal, not yours. Please don't hate me. (here is the article.)

Come 4:00pm on CBS will I be tuning in to Oprah? Nahhh. What if she chooses to have Palin on? I might watch, but ultimately I have been thinking I probably shouldn't entertain her ideals anymore and I guess I won't. There are just some things I shouldn't support. Should you watch Oprah? SURE!!! I don't care what you watch, say, eat, drink, smell, wear, drive, how you vote, or how big your feet are.

Next topic: CELEBRITIES BACKING CANDIDATES (oooh, here she goes again, stepping on toes) Sorry, you should move your feet.

Does it bother me that celebrities back certain people they like? NO NO NO!! Here is what my sign would say:

I may not be a celebrity,

BUT

my vote counts the just the same.

Excuse me, please stop throwing tomatoes at me, I warned you this was only my opinion. If you'd like, you can borrow my soapbox if you have misplaced yours.

Coop 5 Months!

Pictures of the kids at the park. This was right as the remnants of Gustav were making their way into Bartlesville. You could see the clouds, but it didn't rain very much.

I had to throw in a picture of Chloe with the Elmo Mama bought her for her second birthday.

Ancient Ruins: Day II

I'm sharing with you what I learned yesterday. Tomorrow you will get what I learned today, if I think it's pertinent.

Yesterday's topic/ heading was The Ancient Boundary Stone. (Again this could get winded, but I promise the story I am going to share from this study is worth the reading.)

Prov. 22:28 "Do not move an ancient boundary stone set up by

your forefathers."

Our purpose is not to condemn or dishonor people from our heritage but to recognize barriers in our present caused by bondage from our families' past.

She asks you to read Exodus 20: 1-21. I'll not write it all out, but it's the 10 Commandments.

Verse 2 "I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the __________. answer is "land of slavery."

An ancient boundary stone was similar to a fence. It served as a visual reminder of what belonged to the landowner and what was beyond the legal limits. It reminded people when they were crossing the line. God's commands are the ultimate ancient boundary stones. They are not the 1o good thoughts for the day. Those who live beyond the boundaries will return to bondage. Not only will they return to bondage, they will leave a well-trodden path for the next generations to follow in their footsteps.

(oooo, aahhhh that's good huh?)

The tie between generational bondage and generational sin is what creates such a difficult cycle. Someone moves the ancient boundary stone and decides to abide by his or her own set of rules. Life beyond the boundary stone leads to bondage. Bondage leads to sin. Sin leads to more bondage. The cycle does not stop until someone has enough courage to move back the ancient boundary stone God ordained.

(oooo, ahhhh that's good too)

She goes on to have you read Ex. 20:5. It talks about punishing generations for what people before them did. She says how harsh that verse sounds, but it doesn't mean how you think it means.

She says, "In Exodus 20:5, I believe God says He will be able to review or take a census of all the times the effects of the parents' sins can be seen in the next several generations."

The boundary stone was moved way way back in my family. My dad was a drunk growing up, his dad was a drunk when he was growing up and I'm sure his father was too. I replaced the stone starting with my family.

When Matt and I were dating, a buddy of his invited him to go fishing. Matt went and had a good time. He told me about his day and that he had had a beer while fishing. Now Matt didn't know this part of my family history yet, but he soon realized that I would not date, marry, kiss, hold hands with or talk sweet nothings to a man that drank.

He never drank a beer again. (Don't get me wrong, if you have a beer or what ever, I am NOT judging. I am just saying for me and my house. AND just to clarify further, he did not get drunk.)

So that's a boundary stone that has been moved back to its proper position and another stone that is being replaced starting with me is divorce. My dad's parents divorced and my mom's parents divorced!!! Talk about a stone being moved, I think it's lost somewhere. I had to find a new one and put it back!!

Here is the story that has forever changed everything for me. It's just so powerful!!

I have kept an excerpt from "It's Always Something" by the late Gilda Ratner.

When I was little, my nurse Dibby's cousin had a dog, just a mutt, and the dog was pregnant. I don't know how long dogs are pregnant, but she was due to have her puppies in about a week. She was out in the yard one day and got in the way of the lawnmower and her two hind legs got cut off. They rushed her to the vet and he said, "I can sew her up, or you can put her to sleep if you want, but the puppies are okay. She'll be able to deliver the puppies."

Dibby's cousin said, "Keep her alive."

So the vet sewed up her backside, and over the next week the dog learned to walk. She didn't spend any time worrying, she just learned to walk by taking two steps in the front and flipping up her backside, and then taking two steps and flipping her backside again. She gave birth to six little puppies, all in perfect health. She nursed them and then weaned them. And when they learned to walk, they all walked like her.

Beth says to laugh, but to take it very seriously.

She's right. I giggled for about a second and then I got hit square between the eyes. God told me to always remember this little story. I hope you will remember this little story.

Beth goes on to say how she lived a life of a victim and was bound and determined to not let her girls grow up and feel the same way. They aren't she says.

Beth Moore

Breaking Free on Amazon

If you have never done this study, DO IT!! I'm doing it alone and am learning a ton!! Buy it used, it's really cheap and worth it.

Ancient Ruins

Boy am I excited to share with you a few things God has taught me in the past 24 hrs.! Right now, in this post you will get the first 12 hours.

Before Coop was born, I started not one but two Beth Moore studies. One was about David and the other was "Breaking Free."

I didn't finish "BF" b/c of my cuddle bug's birth, I did however finish the David one. I dove back into "BF" yesterday and I am so glad I did!

This could get winded, if so I might have to make this a two part, so bare with me.

Let me tell you what "Breaking Free" is implying. Simply put, it's breaking away from our past and the things that bind us today. I have a soap opera like family and I knew this would help me let God heal some of that.

Yesterdays topic for the week was "Ancient Ruins." I am going to try to simplify and condense this for you the best I can, but I highly recommend picking the workbook up and doing it. I am doing it alone and am getting a ton out of it; you don't have to be in a group to do this study. (FYI everything in italics is from the study itself, everything in regular type is from Megan herself.)
Here we go...

Isa. 61:4 "They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations."

Why do people flock to see ancient ruins? Because unlocking any society's heritage is important to understanding the development of its present inhabitants. Looking back for the right reasons with the right attitude helps us become better equipped to look forward. We need to examine areas of devastation or defeat that have been in our family lines for generations. (oooo)

• Think about generational strongholds. Why could they be hard to recognize?
  

Because you are caught as well in the same issues as those before or are embarrassed to admit the problems or you don't know what they are. What are some of the strongholds in my family history? Alcoholism, divorce, non-believers, abuse. That's all I know of.

Our aim is not to argue genetics versus environment; our aim is to be loosed from anything limiting our lives in Christ. Anything passed down to us that inhibits the full expression of freedom we should have in Christ qualifies as bondage.

I realized Christ had the good ones and the bad ones in his family. I don't know of any Christians in my family tree. If there were some, it was lost. Sad huh? Sad to know that I've got relatives not in Heaven because someone dropped the ball.

She has you fill out a diagram describing both the positive and negative influences from my grandparents and parents. Let me tell you this was very hard for me. I often think back to my childhood and I have a very difficult time remembering 'good' memories. I know there are some, but I can't find them in my Rolodex of memories. I can remember my dad being gone weeks, months on end working. He'd come home and things would be fine. He might go fishing and would never take me; I wanted to go. I can remember as an adult going to my childhood home that I lived in my whole life, picking through the trinkets, papers, furniture, pictures and memories and having to decide what 'items' I could live without. I can remember seeing the bassinet my dad made with his bare hands and having to leave it behind for the new home owners b/c Matt and I didn't have the room nor the kids yet. All of that lost in a divorce. But here are some of the good and bad influences, not memories, I have:

Mom Good ones- good listener Mom Bad ones- smoked, not a big hugger

Dad Good ones-?????? Dad Bad ones- never home, drank (not anymore), griped a lot

Paternal g-ma Good- simplicity, at one time loved all Her bad- hateful, bitterness

Maternal g-ma Good-????? Her bad-never saw her, smoked

I didn't have any grandfathers, so those were blank.

How does God want you to respond to what He showed you today?

Make a lot of good memories with my kids b/c they will remember the bad more easily if the good memories aren't there. I realized how easy it was for me to think of all the bad my family has in their past. I can not think of many good memories, they are overshadowed by divorce, drinking and absentness.

My mom isn't a big hugger. I am not a big hugger, especially when it comes to men. My mom was abused as a child. I was never abused, but yet I do not like hugging men. I can't remember ever hugging Matt's father and he is a perfectly nice preacher of a Baptist church. My mom has never said, "Megan, don't hug men." It was what I saw her do I guess.

See where am I going with this? We have to change those things that are effecting/affecting the way we live, parent, worship and breathe. I get so excited when I think about getting to raise my children to love and serve the Lord, to serve others, to reach out to people and to trust me and their father. I get to start a new history a whole new tourist attraction for the next generation of Knox's.

Think about your strongholds passed down to you. Not to dwell on them and be all 'Woe is me' but to recognize and change and pray.

Tomorrow gets even better. I hope I can wait that long to tell you. I may end up posting it later today. :)

Street Cred.

Matt and I were discussing the other night about us meeting. He asked why I chose to attend UCO. Conversation ended up going in the "have you ever followed a boy/girl to college?" Neither of us had.

I brought up the fact that in high school one of my best friends had sex with the guy I was dating. I was telling Matt how mad I was at the both of them and he and I broke up. He would later beg forgiveness, but I never dated him again.

Matt was once engaged to a girl. I'm sure many people didn't know that about him. He would discover that she was cheating on him. They never dated again.

All this being said, I was telling him how funny God works sometimes. (This whole conversation began with what church was about.)

If the people we were dating hadn't cheated on us, there is no telling where we'd be today. We both might have married those people and life wouldn't be as glorious and blessed as it is today.

I also ask myself, "Who would I have become had my parents not divorced?" That is one of those questions that can make your head spin.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the

good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

He took this awful moment in my life and made me a better person. If I had it to do all over again would I want my foundation destroyed, my faith rocked, get failing grades in college, question the sanctity of marriage, question my parent's love for my sister and I, question my father's love for all of us, question my mother's love for all of us, question if a Godly man will ever love me. All of that over again to be where I am today and who I am today? (whew)

I often ponder this tedious question.

That verse and about a million others, got me through the rest of the summer 1999 and that following school year and even still. I battled many demons to believe that God had a plan for me. (I had not yet heard of Joel Osteen, "God has a plan for your life," he says with his southern accent. If you do not know who or what those last few sentences were talking about, never mind.)

Does all of that not epitomize what God was saying?

I knew that moment in time when my dad on the phone said, "Megan, your mom and I are getting a divorce," that my life would forever be changed. I knew that I would be able to reach more kids than if I had a 'life is good, nothing bad has ever happened to me' kind of story.

I would later work a camp in southern Oklahoma for very very poor children/ youth. My stinky times made me more trustworthy and credible.

Thank God for credibility.