Today

I've kind of fell off the face of the blogging world huh?

I've been trying to post 'happy, fun, love, kids smiling' things, as to mask my heart and true emotions.

When people ask, "How are you?" I usually begin to tear up. Not because I'm bad, but because I don't know how I am; physically. Physically I feel like I am falling apart. Emotionally, I am tired. Spiritually, I am trying to be a sponge and soak it all in and at times that is overwhelming.

I explain it as, "I feel like I'm in a holding pattern." Meaning, I'm not sure where to go or where I am going. I'm just waiting.

I just need some good news. I feel like I haven't really had a good laugh in a while.

I can't go out and do a bunch of stuff with the kids b/c if I get an episode I don't know what I'll do. I can't lay in the car for an hour until it passes. If I walk too much, that usually will trigger one.

I'm just tired. I used to worry about what I have, now I tend to worry about doing too much and getting an episode. I feel bad that I can't take the kids to the water park. I can't go outside with them. I just am tired. I want to do some sort of exercise, but I'm kind of scared something will set it all off.

Sorry to be all 'Debbie Downer,' but it's just where I am.

I'm reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and so far it is wonderful. It has been very uplifting.(Not that this post is reflecting that. But you should have seen me a few weeks ago.) I may share what I'm learning, I don't know.

For now, I'm just waiting. I go to the neuro on July 22. I am excited for that.