A Little Girl

Who is this girl?

What does her life story hold? Who will she marry, will she have kids, will that dog bite her, will she always enjoy smiling for a camera.....

There are many questions I want to ask this little girl. There are many lessons to tell her, many things she should know that could spare her tears and heart break.

Like the dog in the picture will later bite her. It's possible she hits him with a spoon, nonetheless, he bites her.

The boy she dates in high school; a loser that will break her heart. But she'll happily move on, go to college and he'll chase her, begging for forgiveness and she'll laugh.

She'll find Jesus just before her Senior year at a Fellowship Of Christian Athletes camp. He'll change her life. He'll give her hope, peace, comfort and blessings all of which she won't deserve.

Her parents will destroy her dreams of a family. She will be forever scarred, no matter what they say or do, it will never go away. No matter what. Her parents will think, all is well, we've moved on, but little does she know she will always have a scar.

She'll meet a man. A true gentlemen, a prince. He'll sweep her off her feet, like a princess. She deserves a prince. I wonder if she knows that?

This prince will marry her. He'll be a wonderful mate and father. I wonder if she dreams of being a mommy?

She'll get an illness, it'll scare her, but she does her best to not worry.

She'll have kids one day. They'll drive her bonkers, but she'll love them more than she could ever realize.

She'll become a woman. She'll become a Godly woman.

Know how I know?

It's me.

End of A Chapter

I think I'm about to turn the page and begin a new chapter of the book of my life.

Last week, I noticed my right thumb, pointy, middle fingers were feeling kind of strange. I thought I had just slept on my arm funny and the fingers were still asleep. As the day went on, the fingers were still sleeping, mainly my thumb, the tip of it.

I can tell things are starting to feel odd. The exhaustion I feel is unreal. I know every new mom is tired, but if you take 'new mom tiredness' multiply it by 10, that's how I feel most days. Getting out of bed is only because God literally moves me. I could stay there all day, holding Colbie and napping AND be completely fine with that.

I'm not complaining, I just realized that my time of nursing Colbie is swiftly coming to an end. I had a friend ask, "Is formula really that bad?" No, it isn't. I'm just not ready to move on. I don't know if I'll get to walk this path again. I've so enjoyed nursing her. She has been super easy to feed. When I would feed Chloe, it was fun but in the beginning it was so painful! Cooper ate so much, I could hardly keep up. Plus Chloe was 18-19 months old when he was born, so nursing him meant I wasn't able to chase her.

Now Colbie has been a different experience all together. The lactation consultant in the hospital was great. Nursing has never been so easy! I wish she had been there when I was learning the ropes with the other two. No pain, no cracking, no bleeding, it's been great.

But in order to take care of my kids and my husband and myself, it's time to throw in the Boppy. I'm shooting for four more weeks, but we'll see.

Pray my symptoms go away.

I am just so stinking thankful.

AIM AT HEAVEN

I love C.S. Lewis quotes! I am constantly telling Matt something Lewis has said.

Well for Christmas, Matt bought me "The Quotable Lewis: An encyclopedic selection of quotes from the complete published works of C.S. Lewis."

Now that's an insightful hubby! He heard what I talk about and hunted down a book. Such a great gift!

Looking through the book, I found a quote that I decided will be our family mantra.

"Hope...means...a continual looking forward to the eternal world...It does not mean that we are to leave the present world as it is. If you read history you will find that the Christians who did the most for the present world were just those who thought most of the next...It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this. Aim for Heaven and you will get earth 'thrown in": aim at earth and you will get neither."* -C.S. Lewis

My prayer for my family, is that we are constantly 'aiming for heaven.' That we are more concerned about others than our self, that we reach out to the lost, that we get all God has for us "thrown in."

Are you aiming at Heaven or will you end up with neither?


*The Quotable Lewis
Section, HOPE
Quote #731
p. 305

*Mere Christianity, bk. III,
chap. 10, para. 1,
p. 118

Why I'm Wretched

I have been in generally a bad mood since January 3, 2011.

Matt and I began fasting. By Tuesday, I had caved, when it comes to coffee. I couldn't hack it, as I've said previously. Now Matt? He's solid, he is not wavering. (I am fasting from meat, cheese and all sweets. He's fasting from everything but fruit, veggies, whole grains & water.)

I am so impressed and humbled by what Matt has accomplished thus far. If you know my husband, he is weak when it comes to the coffee and donut diet. Oh, he admits this fault wholeheartedly. He loves his after dinner dessert. When you marry a Knox boy, it's part of the territory; dessert after dinner.

I have learned in these past few torturous days, and I'll explain why I use the word torturous in a minute. But I have learned how I show my love to Matt.

I bake.

When I'm feeling all "5 Love Language" ish. I run to the kitchen, bust out my sweet Wilton ingredient bowl, butter, sugar and usually the hand mixer. I don't own a KitchenAid, yet. We don't have the room. And I begin whipping up something yum & usually unhealthy, but oh so yum.

So showing my love to my husband this week has been kind of difficult for me, I must admit. Matt's love language is touch, but seeing as I'm just six weeks postpartum........ you catch my drift.

While I was preparing our dinner of roasted red potatoes and 'fried' cabbage, on Friday night, I was complaining in my heart to God. This is basically how it went.... enjoy the rawness.

"God, hi, yeah, it's me again, umm as you know this is the second time this week, we have had roasted red potatoes and 'fried' cabbage and although it's super tasty, I'm a little over this fasting thing. If you would, I'd really appreciate if you'd do something for me. As you know, he read most of your man, Bill Hybels book Whisper, so I'm pretty sure he got enough of it to hear you say something... So if you don't mind, could you 'whisper' to him that he can end this fast. I mean, I'm a little put out by this, as you probably already know."

"Well Megan, are you listening?"

"Umm, only if you have good things to say."

"Oh it's good, you just may not like it."

"Ok, hit me with it."

"You ask your husband to be the spiritual leader in your family. When you pray, I hear you ask me to 'spur him on.' I've heard your prayers for his walk with me. I've been listening. When he began the book by, how did you say, 'my man' Billy, you asked me to whisper to him. Well Megan, I did and I am. He is staying on this fast. He needs to. You asked him to, you just didn't realize it. You want a leader, let him lead and quit complaining you wretched woman." (Ok so God didn't call me wretched, it's just how I felt.) "So really Megan, this is your fault, I just answered your prayers."

Then God laughed, I giggled and I put the potatoes in the oven for the second time that week.

I Am A Sinner

Our church, lifechurch.tv, began the Daniel Fast on January 3.

Background: The Daniel Fast is based from Daniel chapter 10. In that he says, he had "no choice foods." Which in my interpretation means, no meat, dairy, sweets etc. Basically all that tastes yummy. We can have nuts, fruit and veggies and water only.

Before the fast began, I started thinking about my days and what they consist of.

-Get up; reluctantly.
-Go to the bathroom and do all bathroom related steps; reluctantly.
-Feed kids; reluctantly. (Not because I don't want them to eat, but they are so stinking picky I just hate messing with it.)
-Change Cooper's poop; reluctantly.
-Make a pot of coffee and devour it; happily.
-Put kids to bed for nap; happily.
-*Sit on my butt and read; happily.
-*Take a nap; happily.
-Make another pot of coffee to be devoured; happily.
-Wake kids up; reluctantly.
-Cook dinner; reluctantly. (Again, picky kids make for annoying dinner time because I refuse to cook them something special.)
-Put kids to bed; happily.
-Talk to Matt; happily. (That is if he's awake.)
-Go to bed; happily.

*Those two interchange depending on how my night went with Colbie.

Ok, that's a rough, very rough schedule for my day.

What's missing?....................................................................................................................................

GOD!!

Yep, I'm a loser to the inth degree. (Whatever that saying is.)

Before I gave up the coffee, I realized how much I love my warm drinks ie, coffee, chai, hot chocolate, tea.

I love the time when kids are in bed and I drink something warm.

See the problem here? I should be saying, "I love the time when kids are napping and I'm so into the Word I forget where I am." or "I love the time when the kids are napping and I'm hearing God whisper and I listen."

Nope, none of that happening very often here.

So today, when I prepared a cup of coffee and drank it, I broke. I broke as a woman, I broke as a wife, I broke.

I failed.

I'm not strong without Christ. I see that. I can't go about my days yearning for nap time unless I am going to yearn to be with the Lord.

I'm still fasting from choice foods, although that seems petty when I drink coffee. I'm going to support my husband because I feel he needs this time to hear what the Lord is saying or whispering to him. I will prepare our meals according to Daniel 10. I will prepare our snacks according to Daniel 10. I will send my husband out the door in the morning with ammo (proper snacks) to get through his day. He's holding strong, seeking and listening.

It's been two days (I'm post dating this) and I failed.

I'm embarrassed to write this. I hope I am seen as a sinning human and not as a Christ follower who is a liar. I hope you can see my heart as a woman who loves God.

So will you see me with a cup of coffee? I have to tell the truth, yes. BUT you will see me in the word during naptime while I drink my cup of coffee.

Closing Shop

Since Thanksgiving, my mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts. I'll spare you most of them, but there are a few things that I'm going to share.

When I began this blog, however many years ago, it was to journal without writing. Writing with a pen seems to hold my thoughts hostage since I can't write as fast as my thoughts flow. When I started blogging, it was fun. Then the barrage of spam comments hit and I began to find this site more of a burden that a blessing.

I post pictures of my kids on here for you, my friends and family, to see and for showing them off. HA! I put some security measures in place so they could not be copied, but those measures do not work in some capacities. I'm not sharing what capacities those may be because I do not know who reads this. But I began to feel uncomfortable about my kids' pictures being so vulnerable.

I began tossing around the idea of not posting pictures of the kids, but that bugs me because this is my site, my thoughts. I want to print this blog and having the pictures gives this life of mine a timeline that seems to fly by when I blink.

I began tossing around the idea of closing shop all together, but that bugs me because even though I don't write as much, I still need to get things off my chest every once in a while. I don't want to have to go buy a nice journaling pen when I have a nice blogging keyboard.

I think my only viable option is to make this thing private. Then I know who sees my pictures and if they are "stolen" at least I know I can trust that person.

See this all started when I realized anyone, from anywhere could use my twitter photos in what ever manner they pleased. That scares me. And yes, since that thought crossed my mind, I have twitter pictures of the kids, but I am tapering off on that. It's just a dangerous virtual world and I can't have them part of it even though I love it.

So what am I to do? I don't know.