Monday, December 8, 2008

Performance Anxiety

No, no, no, those of you with dirty minds. Not that kind of 'performance anxiety.' Shame on you!

I have performance anxiety when it comes to baking.

Saturday, I was invited to a cookie swap. Instructions. Bake 4 dozen cookies or candy items, bring them and you swap with the other participants and then get fat.

I've known about this party for a while, but had been putting off baking anything out of fear; fear of failure.

Last Christmas, I attempted this beautiful cake. (above) Looked easy enough. I mean how hard can it be to put icing on a chocolate cake? Pshh, I can do that!! I'll have the best looking cake at the family get-together. I'll be a legend.

A legend alright. A legend of FAILURE!!! There was weeping and gnashing of teeth when this attempt failed. I ended up bringing something else that was probably bought.

For the cookie swap, I didn't try anything. I bought things to try, like I do every year, but didn't.

Saturday morning, a few hours before the 'swap' the family headed to Chloe's Mother's Day Out school for a 'Donuts with Dad' thing. At the breakfast they were having a bake sale. *ding ding ding* I had an idea. I'll buy something from here and just bring it! (Don't worry, I didn't pass it off as mine)

I purchased 'brownie pie' thinking, "People can just cut a slice and it'll be all good."

I'm not familiar with the contents of a brownie pie, but apparently the inside is the consistency of ohh, raw brownie batter. Everyone that got a slice had to use foil, so the sludge would not contaminate their 'cooked to the proper temperature' cookies.

Yet again, another failure! I can't even buy something and get it right!

I had a MOPS meeting this morning. All of the moms were instructed to bring cookies for yet another 'cookie swap.' (wahoo..not)

On our way home from church last night, I stop by Wal-Mart and buy marshmallows, almond bark, caramel, and graham cracker crumbs. The idea? Too make a smore on a stick.

It didn't work. Too sweet and sticky.

Enter Plan B, make chocolate covered marshmallows on a stick, rolled in the cute sprinkles I purchased in preparation for my attempt at baking. I saw them at the bake sale and asked the lady how she made them and it sounded super easy. (NOT)

Apparently, you need good melting pots and pots that are deep for high quality dipping. Ya, I don't own those things. I mean my kitchen is the size of the inside of a Volkswagen Beetle. I try to melt white chocolate in a deep mug. It melts, but it looks the consistency of chili, it's thick and nasty. So I chunk it, along with the worthless mug.

Enter Plan C, make chocolate covered pretzels. For crying out loud who could mess that up? I start digging around my 'petite' kitchen for the pretzels I bought a month ago in preparation of Christmas. Dang, I only have one bag and it contains a whopping 12-15 sticks. If only I could make them multiply in order to feed the masses.

I sit on the couch and begin to get frustrated. "Think, think, think," I say to myself while watching 'Brothers and Sisters' in between plans.

"Do I really need cookies?" NO! I'm already large enough.

"Will anybody care if I don't have the best treat?" Only I will care.

Enter Plan D, make nothing. And that's what I did.

Anyone for a lettuce wrap?


  1. Laughing so hard!! You are hysterical! Maybe we could try that yummy looking cake together sometime. How was the ribbon made?


  2. You are hilarious! I really don't care what a cake looks like as long as it is delicious. I posted a lot of candy recipes on my blog a couple of weeks ago, try some of those they are great.

  3. aw, you have my deepest sympathy...i have been wanting to bake because it is, after all, the holiday season--which to me means eat, eat, eat--but i haven't even attempted it yet. if i find something easy and fool proof, i will let you know!

  4. That is a funny story. It really made me laugh


For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. -Corinthians 5:14