Paperwork Wins

The kids are out of school. I kicked them outside since it is relatively warm and I am not here to entertain them or take them all over Tulsa because they are bored. I want to be bored!

I say that but after I kicked them outside I grabbed the novel of paper work needed to fill out for foster care stuff.

I learned a month ago that the paper work we filled out a year ago has to be filled out again after a year.

A YEAR!

Doctors don't have to take their big test every year. They just stay current and up to date with their education and I'm guessing certain certifications and they put their hands INSIDE bodies!

Here I am filling out background checks (which i thought were good for 3 years), signing agreements, signing rules, notifications and verifications, profiles, filling out 'general info.' I'll need to schedule doctor visits for all 6 of us, never mind the fact that some aren't due for a well-check and I don't want to be told "scoot down to the edge of the table" in 2017! I have to give my income statements which doesn't show how much of a strain fostering actually is on your bank account.

Do I sound perturbed? I am!

Here is my personality; when I think something is dumb or a complete waste of time. I general go into refusal mode. I stand my ground and refuse to conform to the stupidity of whatever the stupid thing is that stupid people are asking of me. Some things make sense; insurance, vaccs, pet vaccs.. Stuff like that I get. I can even conform to the background check every year but this?! This is ludicrous. I have a hard time believing that those foster families that get arrested for abuse did alllll this paperwork every. single. year? Doubtful.

So here I am, looking at what seems like 1 million pieces of paper and I'm gonna fill out every last damn one of them. But mind you! I will be REALLY pissed off the whole time at whoever thought this was needed to be done every. damn. year.

I can see how people get to the "I've had enough." phase of fostering and call it good. It would be easier for me to toss a deuce and be over it. Believe me, I tried. Matt said we should fill all this out. I might have huffed and internally pouted at his answer. I was expecting him to give me the out so I could use all this paper for kindling. Ohh and it would be good kindling but I'd also be burning the hope of humans. Little humans.

What does our future hold for fostering? I have absolutely no idea. What age will we be open for? I have absolutely no idea. The kids have asked if we will foster again. They are ready. I'm not. I'm scared. I'm comfortable! I'm happy.

The last kid was more than we could deal with and when he left, he left us in ruins. He came in and set the whole place on fire and laughed as he left. Matt and I had to reconnect. Matt and I had to reconnect with the kids. We had to reconnect with Jesus.

But it is the first kid, BH, that we had with us that has me filling out a stupid amount of paperwork.

He was worth it.

Post Thanksgiving 2016

"Did you have a good Thanksgiving?"

I know this question is the holiday version of, "How are you?" or "Nice weather we are having."

In the past, I gave the typical, "It was good!" While raising my eyebrows and voice for umph and to come across sincere.

I can remember a few Thanksgivings in my past... One last year, wasn't so awesome. The one soon after my parents split was horrible and I opted to be the gal to show up to work A&F all day and night just to avoid the awkwardness. There was the one when my Grandmother said something rude to me about my mother. (This was post divorce.) It hurt so bad and the turkey tasted different from then on. It is amazing how dark events can almost completely overshadow good. I thought this Thanksgiving would be spent in mourning, grieving. I thought it would be a dark sad day.

So when people ask, "Did you have a good Thanksgiving?"

I want to scream, "HELL YEAH I DID!"

It was one of the best ever. It was a Thanksgiving that felt new. It felt like a gift.

It WAS a gift!

As Matt and I were getting ready to leave the house for his parent's, I said, "You realize your Dad shouldn't be here today?"
"Yep."

I will treasure these two days in November for the rest of my life.

Pretty sure each person in that house, above the age of 18, will treasure this Thanksgiving for the rest of their life.

What will Christmas look like? I have no idea. I DO KNOW, don't take for granted those gathered around the table. Reality is, no one in my family thought my FIL would be here. The humbling truth is that any one of us could be the empty plate for the next family gathering.

By the way, I hugged 5 people over this holiday. Well, 6 if you count a friend that 'hug greeted' me at church this morning.... I'm sure there were some rogue hugs in there somewhere.

Thanksgiving 2016

People often ask if I am ready for Thanksgiving or if we have plans...
Four years ago, this was the Knox crew.

We now have 1 more grandkid, 1 in college, nearly all 15 in school, job changes, lots of Tooth Fairy visits aaaaand cancer. A lot can change in four seemingly simple years.

This year, when you expected an empty plate at the table and now that plate will hold food? You are READY for Thanksgiving and your plans are SIMPLE.

Who am i kidding, our plans are simple every year but this year will be a lot of attempting to imprint memories on our hearts.

When my kids were little, I would go in their rooms and watch them sleep. I would sit there and stare in an effort save those moments in my heart, my soul.

It is so hard and even as I type this, I can't truly 'feel' that feeling I felt in those late hours staring at my kids. It is like a breath-taking sunset, your heart sings in the moment but once the sun sets, you can't remember exactly what the sunset looked like, only that it was amazing & your heart was incredibly happy and at peace.

The Knox crew will gather on Friday, hold hands and I will overcome my dislike for holding clammy kid hands(for this moment) to pray and sing,

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures here below, Praise him above ye heavenly host, Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen"

I will eat lots of food.

I will listen to the men and kids play moon.

I will watch my family like a sunset and pray it imprints on my heart forever.

Orphan Sunday

Today was Orphan Sunday at church.

This means we have been with Jenks First Baptist for one year! 

Sitting there, listening to the pastor and thinking how this time last year we were working through our foster care classes. 

As the year ends, we will have had two kiddos in our house since we joined Jenks FBC. 

One thing struck me though, that needs to be pointed out in a weekend geared mainly to adoption...

Not all kids need adopting. 

But all kids need love, support & safety. 

Adoption isn't something we have felt called to do. Maybe one day but I haven't been told to do that yet. We may never be called to adopt a child but I know for sure our hearts are called to reunify families. Just because a child is in foster care doesn't mean he/she needs saving, it means he/she just needs help while their 'people' get help or work a program. Sure, some in foster care do indeed need a forever home!!

I don't know... I just don't want people to think all kids in care need to take your last name. 

Standing at the table in the lobby with my friends that have adopted.. there were 3 of them and between them, they have adopted 9 kids. 

Maybe you don't feel that tug to adopt but you feel that urge to give kids a safe place and a warm bed and food for a period of time. THAT is needed TOO!! 

I was sitting in church, wanting to yell to everyone that there is another way to help kids in crisis. It takes those called to adopt and those called to reunify. It takes those praying and those that can run errands. It takes the church. The church once had a roll in taking care of orphans. We need to return to that.

This started as a FB post so forgive the lack of structure. 

Update

"How is your Father-In-Law?" I have been asked this question a few times lately.

I apologize for not updating sooner!

As I've said, at least I think I said, I got word of my FIL's illness while Matt was in Kenya. It was Day 5 of him being gone. Five days left on his trip. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was to get that news and Matt not be here to tell let alone cry with.

I remember worrying that Matt might not make it back in time to see his Dad one last time this side of Heaven. He wasn't aware of the seriousness of his father's health. When Matt left, his Dad had not been feeling well but that was about the extent of it. Things went downhill fast while Matt was away.

Matt got home September 25 and I believed we had very little time.

So, how is my FIL doing?

He went from unable to stay awake for extended periods of time to mowing the church lawn this past weekend.

A miracle. Truly.

"Teach me to number my days that I may gain a heart of wisdom." Ps. 90:12

In my weekly Bible study at the Kirk, we are going over the life of David in 1 & 2 Samuel and the Psalms. Love how God meets you where you are when you need Him to be. This study has been incredibly fitting for our life right now.

My FIL is a an amazing man. His son is just like him. Determined. Calm. Peace that passes all understanding. Gentle. Patient. They don't get flustered. They trust in Jesus wholeheartedly.

Keep praying for our days to be multiplied!

Live With Purpose

Every encounter Jesus had, he had it with purpose.

His purpose.

This has struck me as something I think most of us wish we did more often.

In a random series of events one day last week, I had lunch with the President/CEO of Fine Airport Parking. He began to tell his story. A midst the chatter at the table, I hung on every word. If you want to be great, you learn from the great.

I didn't have much time but I knew I wanted to ask one question. I had purpose, a goal in the brief time I had.

I've been fortunate enough to spend some time with my father in law in the past week. I listen to him talk to his son, his grandkids and wife. He is the one person that will talk theology with me. I'm gonna miss that. The time spent with him is a treasure. A true treasure. I don't know how to emphasize that enough.

There is purpose. There is intent. There is 'the knowing' that this meeting could be the last.

The stuff with my FIL has been life altering, heart changing and focus shifting. I'm grateful to those that have walked the path before us & brought us comfort.

I'm not sure any of this makes sense. The journey thus far has been so mind blowing that it can be hard to absorb, and even for ME to put into words, but I am trying to be mindful of His nearness,

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18

Live with Purpose.

Shattered Screen, Shattered Hearts

Matt is back from Kenya.

When people ask, "How is Matt recovering?" I want to tell the truth but most aren't ready to hear what I truly have to say.

Truth is, he hasn't. He won't. He can't.

Cooper dropped my iPad a few days ago. I was in the lobby of our karate school when he told me what he had done.

I looked at the iPad this morning, shards of glass were stuck to the case. If I touch it, shards of glass stick in my finger tips. The screen is completely shattered.

Just like our lives right now, shattered.

I look at that screen and I see my family and our hearts. We are broken, shards of heartbreak & pain protruding from each one of us. If you touch us, you will feel our pain. You will see our tears. You will hear our cries.

Our hearts are shattered.

It feels like this isn't happening but it is.

I'm sitting here, typing this while Matt is sleeping next to me. So much on his shoulders right now. The weight of his family. The weight of his job. The weight of jet lag still lingering a bit. The weight of pain. The weight of loss. Shards of glass piercing his heart.

Our family will never be the same.

Our family will be stronger.

Our family will be better because from great sorrow comes great victory!

So yeah, Matt is back from Kenya and he loved every single second of it.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort." 

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Perspective

I always thought I had perspective.

That's probably what people say that don't have perspective.

I realize now, I did not have perspective.

That's probably what people say that now indeed have perspective.

The Bible talks of our life as a vapor, "you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away." James 4:14

I always thought I understood just how quickly life can change.

That's probably what people say that have never felt life fall out beneath them.

While Matt was in Kenya,  the family got word that my Father-in-Law has cancer.

Perspective.

A biopsy was ordered and done.

Matt returns home from Kenya and two days later hears even more devastating news on his Hero.

Perspective.
Vapor.

Life literally changed within a matter of days and continues to change quite rapidly.

The man that gave life to my husband, the man that raised my husband, the man that taught my husband the love of Jesus, the man that baptized my husband, the man that prayed for me before he knew me, the man that stood in front of me and married my husband and I, the man my kids call "Grandpa" or "Papa."

He will soon be healed.

Vapor.

"So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12

If you don't hear from anyone in the Knox family or we miss an appointment or we fail to ask about something that is important, whatever. Please show every one of us some grace because right now we are hurting but we rejoice in our hurting hearts because God is still oh so very good.

Perspective.

Heaven.

Four Sleeps

I'm watching the 2nd Bridget Jones's Diary.

Matt is probably just waking up.

I'm about to go to bed and tomorrow will bring 3 more sleeps.

I had all these thoughts of blogging every night while he was gone but I have found myself going to bed at a reasonable hour! Who am I?

So I've been to London. (Remember what I'm watching.)

I went with my Dad... I can not remember what year. I think between high school and college, that summer. I think.

I got the jet lag really awesome like.

I wish I could remember more of it.

I remember we rode a train from Brighton to London. I assume we rode it back to Brighton but I can't remember. haha

Should also note, I've never seen any of the BJD movies.

Ok, I should go to bed. Sorry I don't have something really profound.

Night One

I'm about to go to bed and complete "Night Two" but I had to write the following down...

Earlier today, I got sucked into my phone and nearly caught the food on the stove on fire.

A quesadilla to be exact. I mean I blackened it. Smoke filled the whole kitchen and adjoining rooms. I opened a window but zero wind meant no airflow. I put purification in the diffuser but still smoke was visible and smell-able.

Kids came home from school and one step into the house and they were whining about the smell. I couldn't smell it anymore. Coop began saying his stomach hurt and the smell was making it worse.

Side note: When I was a kid, I rode the bus. There would be times I would get on the bus and smell what I would describe as burnt french fries. It was awful but no one else could smell it. Every. single. time. I smelled that smell, I got sick that night or the next day. Every time.

So when he seemed uber sensitive to that smell... Made me wonder.

I took him to soccer but we ended up leaving early because of his stomach.

Got home and the two P's hit; poop and puke.

Got him in the tub with Epsom and lavender then straight to bed.

I was just on my way to bed but stopped to check if he had a fever. His body was really hot. Even the parts of him not covered were very warm.

I started praying and my favorite song came on his radio, "No Longer Slaves."

I sang it over him.

He got cool.

You read that right. His body was no longer hot. While I was holding his hand, him asleep, me singing... his body was no longer hot to the touch.

I can't stop smiling. Right before my eyes. Never had that happen before!

I'm gonna continue praying and continue battling the evil that wants to take him out.

Now on to Night Two and Day Two.

One More Sleep

"WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!!!" Cried my almost 6 year old daughter about her daddy leaving on a mission trip for 10 days.

"Ummm, same thing we always do.. Try to take over the world." I replied laughing at myself but was the only person laughing because I was the only 30 plus aged person in my car that got my joke.

Lots have asked if I need help.

I have no idea.

When Matt has traveled in the past it has been for just a few nights. I would mentally prepare for the things that could go wrong. I have a disaster plan. The kids were younger, crazy and didn't sleep. They are older now so the disaster that could go wrong, I'm not sure.

As long as no one calls an audible, we should be good!

Three Sleeps

Three Sleeps.

Matt leaves for Kenya.

I am incredibly excited for him.

People have asked if I am ready.  I mean, how does one get ready to be single mom'ing it for 10 days? Not sure I can.

I am grateful this trip is during school. We will have our routine, the kids will be uber busy, I will be uber busy and I have no doubt the nights will be long but the days fast.

Matt has always wanted to go on an overseas mission trip. He loves his family so much it oozes from him but Jesus resides in him and he has felt a calling to go and serve.

Our church, First Baptist Jenks, has a family living in Kenya that we support. This is awesome because Matt and a group of people wanting to do good, won't just drop in and leave in 10 days. There is an established foundation of support for the people there.

Matt and the others will be doing some construction projects.

So yeah, three sleeps.

A Lodgepole Pine

Yellowstone National Park posted a picture to their Instagram account earlier today. They are enduring some pretty intense wildfires tearing through the southern portion of the park.

Commenters have been giving YNP grief because the fires are allowed to scorch the land as the fire sees fit. It marches its way along and the only 'interference' the humans do is protect buildings and evacuate humans. The fire is king. It was started naturally and naturally it shall burn.

There is this intricate cycle in nature and in life.
A balance.
Testing and beauty.
You can't have true beauty without the testing.

Today's fire update: slight growth on all fires and Yellowstone's south entrance remains closed. Full report on the blog at go.nps.gov/YellFireBlog. In this shot, the cone from a lodgepole pine opened by the Maple Fire: these trees require fire in order to disperse their seeds.

(Caption and photo from Yellowstone National Park)

"These trees require fire in order to disperse their seeds."

Oil prices have finally caught up to my family. It is rough. Lots of sleepless nights, lots and lots of praying and seeking and listening and crying. I don't say this to have you feel sorry for us, in fact, I sat staring at that cone for 30 minutes trying to figure out how to show my heart without sounding whiny. Those that know me and my heart know I don't whine. I hate whiny.

Matt said the other night, "I prayed that it was enough that we learned whatever we needed to learn."

I had been thinking the same thing, like this was some sort of Jesus lesson.

I replied, "I'm not sure that is it. I feel like we needed to go through this because He has somewhere He needs to get us and it took this to get us there." Not in a punishment sort of way but in a 'usage' sort of way. The fire isn't punishment on the land but the land uses it to make it better.

We have no idea what is happening but I saw this picture on Instagram and burst into tears. The fire is needed. Without the fire there is no new growth.

Fire is painful and destroys a lot but if I am a lodgepole pine, amazing things come after the flames.

Today I am a lodgepole pine and soon there will be beauty from the flames.

Beauty from Ashes.

Holy Yoga

I participated in my first Holy Yoga class this morning! My arms are still shaky some 5 hours later and even typing this is hard as my fingers are wanting to do their own thing, but it was awesome.

The whole "Holy Yoga" thing is completely foreign to me. I guess it was 3ish months ago, I listened to a friend's podcast where she interviewed a woman who had a pretty incredible story of redemption. This woman found Holy Yoga, became an instructor and it changed her life.

She gave a brief description of what Holy Yoga looked like and I'm probably going to butcher it but this is what I took from the description; letting Jesus speak to you while you are focusing on relaxing, praying, breathing and getting stronger in spirit and muscles. Less 'mother earth' and more Jesus created this Earth and us.

Months after reading that description our karate school welcomed a Holy Yoga instructor into some extra space at the school. Finally, this morning, I took my first class!

Listening to Scripture, worship music, while breathing, pushing myself and relaxing was more needed in my heart than I realized prior to getting on the mat. I left feeling centered even though my arms were spent. haha

There has been a lot lately that I have been seeking Jesus for and it was nice to show up, roll out a mat, get a good sweat going and just listen with my heart. (And try to breathe.)  At the end of class, we thanked God for ways He has shown up this past week.

If you have not tried Holy Yoga, I encourage you to find one near you.

I fully plan to take another class!

Lately...

Someone asked me recently why I hadn't posted about any foster stories.

We are on a break.

Our last placement sucked all the happy from us. The longer he was with us the angrier he became. The longer he was with us the more like zombies my family became.

I don't blame him. Let's make that clear.

His anger was 100% justified.

He was 6.

Not many 6 year olds have an understanding of time. When you are 6 and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, that brings rage in your tiny body. There were more 'things' that brought his rage and I would tell him how those issues made me mad too. Some things did not make sense & I couldn't get answers. Let's say I did get answers, it wouldn't have helped him to feel better.

So when I talk about how hard he was, I feel the need to defend him bc it wasn't his fault.

That being said, our family couldn't serve him like he needed.

When I tell people how hard our last placement was, I tend to get the "Oh yeah well duh." Like "of course he was hard! He came from a hard place." Basically everyone assumes bc I say words like "hard" "life sucking" "rage." All words that bring hesitation, people think we have thrown in the towel. And I think for a moment they feel a sense of relief like I proved that THEY shouldn't foster.

I can totally see the faces of people. They ask how it was or "how it is going?" Matt and I get honest and their demeanor changes and all of the sudden they act like Jesus just spoke to them, through us, that they shouldn't foster bc we said it is hard. Look people, Christ is not justifying your hesitation bc we say it is hard!! That is the devil my friends. Jesus doesn't say "Oh yeah Joe and Jan, Megan said it was hard so you are right. Don't foster." I am not giving you an out!

I hope that makes sense. And when we tell people it is hard they think we are done. Like it was too much so we give up. Umm news flash, we haven't quit.

So when I say how hard it was, we are not tapping out! Things are hard! That doesn't mean we throw in the towel!

Yes, we will be a family of 6 for many months. Yes, we will do this again. Yes, it will probably be hard but we are compelled. I did ask Jesus to take this calling away.

He laughed. That is His typical reaction to my silly requests. We are cool like that.

The next few months have lots going on with Matt's trip to Kenya, birthdays & our 14th anniversary & spiritual refilling. And lots of praying!

The Holy Spirit will tell us when the time to open the door to the spare room has come.

Caleb still talks about him. I can't quote him bc Caleb says his name but lots remind us of him. Green Gatorade being one thing.

I feel like I've come up out of the weeds and see my kids. In the past month, they have matured. It is mind blowing how they have grown this summer in life lessons and physically.

Chloe turns 10 in exactly one week. On Sept 11, Caleb turns 4.

So that is a vomiting of what it going on in the Knox house pertaining to fostering.

I have more to say but it would be changing lanes so I'll save it for another day.

Hiatus

I can't remember where I heard it but I heard someone say "Christians are like sponges. You have to get filled up with the Word then you get squeezed and the Word comes out but eventually, like a sponge you become dry if you aren't being filled."

This has always stuck with me.

My sponge is dry.

Our last placement sucked all the Word I had in me. I wouldn't say I'm completely dry because that sounds awful but I am needing a fill.

It is my fault. I let emotional exhaustion win. If given the choice to pray or be alone, I would choose to be alone.

He has been gone for just over a week and I feel like at least my humor is returning.

When he left, there was a physical release. It sounds weird but my body literally felt better as soon as he was gone. I didn't realize I had gotten to that point of survival. I mean, I felt mentally there but physically I was on auto pilot.

Once he left, I felt lighter. I smiled. I hugged my husband. I laughed.

It isn't AG's fault. I blame the evil in this world. It isn't his fault he has had a shitty life. It wasn't our fault he raged against us.

Didn't make it less draining though.

After every placement, we take a break. This break will be an extended one. We literally have relationships we need to work on with each other and with our children. This whole mission is a huge sacrifice.

Tucking AG into bed first meant my kids got the rushed version. Meeting AG's needs over my children meant they got the annoyed mom. AG came first in a lot of ways and my kids came second. Some will say "Oh that is so sad and this is why we can't and won't foster."

Yeah, I get that but my kids will bounce back. They get to have us when each child leaves. Sacrifice is part of this mission and it isn't just Matt and I sacrificing. It is our whole family.

There are six sponges that need some filling. We will spend the next handful of months being 'normal.' We will jump back in to the chaos after we have healed and filled up.

I will wash the sheets, shut the door to the room and when the time is right the door will be opened.

For now, I am going to reconnect to Jesus, my husband and my children.

Where We Are At

My senior year English teacher would throat chop me for putting 'at' after 'where' but in this moment, it needed to be said.

We are in a season of, gosh, not sure how to describe it. Hmm, simply put, we are in a hard season.

Before I elaborate, let's get something clear... When I speak of the difficulty and strain fostering puts on my family, I do NOT mean we are done.  Most people seem to think my complaints and struggles are leading us to end this journey.

Nope.

I don't know what else to say as to not sound all 'boo hoo.'

The fact that I haven't had words since May 12th says a lot.

A friend told me, "Some kids fit and some don't." Our home isn't going to be ideal for every single child that walks through that door. It's hard to realize that because I think we should be able to handle anything buuutt we can't. My kids can't.

I'm not sure I even answered the title.

Where we are is in a season of needing rest.

I heard an analogy once. I love analogies.

Christians are like sponges. We soak up Jesus and then we get squeezed and out He comes but eventually there is nothing left in the sponge.

That is where we are.

A dry sponge needing a refill of Jesus.

P.S. My posting about our journey is not in any shape or form for pats on the back or sorry feelings for us... It is just my telling of our story.

Soldier On

Soldier On

I'm gonna be really real. Generally speaking, im real but I do tend to watch what I say so I don't sound negative or pursuade folk in a direction.

Here it is...

Since getting our most recent placement, life has been hard. 

He is a tough kid from a hard place & it shows, daily, minute by minute.

The real-ness is when I tell you I wanted him to just go back. NOT to the troubles that landed him in foster care but to someone else's home. I wanted my kids to not have to worry about him bothering them anymore. I wanted Matt to not worry about him throwing fits anymore. I want to not worry about him screaming at me anymore. I want to sit and be still. I want to drive and not hear the amount of bickering in the backseat that sends a sane person insane & want to jump from the car...while it is moving!

It has been a hard, gosh I don't even know how long, three weeks.

THEN, once I'm done whining, my Spirit says, "Soldier On." My flesh argues. I am weak. I am mentally done. His deliberate disobedience is so incredibly hard not to personalize. 

"Soldier On. If Paul did his ministry with his thorn then so can you."

Am I calling our friend a thorn? Yes, sometimes he is. Lots of the time he is. Most of the time he is BUT that doesn't change our mission. 

It didn't change it for Paul, in fact I would argue it made him better. 

"Soldier On."

This fostering isn't easy at. all. It is a calling. It is our calling. We didn't do this bc of a message at church or bc of an event. It wasn't like going to a concert and leaving with a Compassion Child. 

I would have quit tonight had this been some quick decision. If this wasn't literally, told to me that we must do this. I would have quit. "The thorn is too much today." Then I would return back to my four kids, carried on about our life and planned some absurd vacation. 

"Soldier On."

Paul had a mission. He was called. It wasn't a warm fuzzy feeling. Warm fuzzies get cold after a while. This was in him to do. It was in Him to grow believers, to teach them, to deal with super apostles, to bridge the gap in the churches he started. 

"Soldier On."

So when you ask me how I'm doing, I really do not know how to answer you. Part of me wants to sit in my closet with mindless books, Netflix, Hulu & Amazon Instant(for variety) and never come out. Part of me wants to say, "I'm over it."

But the part of me that has been called says, "Soldier on bc he is worth it."

One Roller Skate

You know that whole, "If your house is on fire and can only grab 1 thing. What would it be?" scenario? 

That's a real life scenario for foster kids. Here is the foster kid version of that question,  "You can only take to a complete strangers home what will fit in this Walmart sack (or if they are lucky they get a trash bag). What do you take?" 

Our first foster child, I will call BH, came to our home with a trash bag and a "Together We Rise" duffle bag. 

I helped him 'unpack' his trash sack and found 1 roller skate. 

My bio kids asked him, "Why do you only have one skate?" 

I overheard his response, "I didn't have time to look for the other one." The tone in which he spoke, literally broke me.

Talk about making me cry. Still gives me the lump in my throat. 

To this day the vision of that lonely roller skate by my front door will always remind me of the struggle these kids go through. 

When I was 5, 6, 7, 8... Had a stranger come to my home to 'take me' and they had said I could only take a few things, I can't even fathom how that would have felt or what I would have grabbed! 

Our new friend, AG, came to us with 2 pairs of jeans, one he was wearing and another that was too big, two shirts, one plain white and one that was too small, two shoes, one pair nice and one pair too big. 

That's all!

No socks.

No underwear.

No toothbrush.

No toys.

He is 6.

One roller skate.

Such an odd thing but will always remind me why we are doing this. 

Who's Who

I do my best thinking in a few places. One happens to be the shower. I have solved ALLLL the world's problems while lathering and repeating and shaving my armpits.

A few days ago, the choo choo train of thoughts in my head, while showering, were moving at lightning speed. I can't remember how I arrived at this destination but one part was thinking about a friend I graduated with.

He and his wife are in the pits of adoption. It is rarely as glamorous as the world makes it out to be. It is hard and it is tiring. I was feeling really proud of them. Thinking how they have been married since high school, have jobs, making a life for themselves. I laughed because he was not quite like that in school. He truly loves the Lord now and it is wonderful to 'see.'

Then my thoughts went to another friend I graduated with. He has been working hard for well over a year to prep land and build a house for his little family. Due to the economy, he recently lost his job but has spent time training his young son in the ways of farming, building and just bonding.

Both of these men were not voted "Most Likely To Succeed."

Those that are generally voted are the ones everyone thinks will go on to be doctors, lawyers... Jobs that pay a lot.

Why is success measured by the dollar amount on a paycheck?

A girl in my class, she spent some time as a single mom, fighting to raise her children. She married someone and they have a son together. She is a happy, thriving, wife and mom.

All three of these people are successful. No, they aren't doctors, lawyers or surgeons. They are people who despite the dollar amount on their checks are winning at this life thing.

I stay home with four kids. I have an expensive piece of paper telling me I graduated from college.

Am I less successful because I'm at home wiping asses and cooking dinners?

Nope.

Are the doctors and lawyers more successful?

Nope.

We all are successes from our class. (I mean some probably aren't. Im talking about everyone NOT in prison or jail.)

Some, the paths are a little rough and it took more time to find the right one, but you did it!

When my kids grow up and graduate from high school and this Who's Who thing is still around, if they don't make it, it doesn't matter. My prayer isn't for a really cool slot in the yearbook but for them to have a lasting impression on the world. I want them to do what Christ called them to do. To make the best of their journey. To try.

So here is to all of us that didn't get named Who's Who when we graduated.

You ALL are awesome in my yearbook called LIFE.

An Attack The Size of a Kidney Stone

I'm not sure how you feel about spiritual warfare but I am a firm believer.

If you are a follower of Christ, there will be attacks at least there should be! They don't have to be big as the devil works in the big and small things.

Good Friday our friend left.

Easter Sunday I spent in watching my incredibly tough husband writher in pain from a kidney stone. So we booked a night at St. Francis so he could get the thing blasted and taken out because it was too big to pass. Not a night at the Hilton but he was fine, the kids were fine, I was fine so ulitmatley everything was going to be fine.

It was an attack. A blatant attack on my family. A 'kick you in the crotch spit on your neck fantastic' attack.

Even as type this my youngest two who normally are pretty chill while we wait for the big kids after school, are currenlty freaking out.

It is an attack. No harm done but it is still an attack.

I'm grateful this happened after our friend left. I see that as protection, a blessing.

So now what?

Matt is on the mend. While we were in the hospital, someone joked about they heard of an angel that is good at rolling stones away. We had a good chuckle at that it being Easter and all.

We plan to take a few weeks off of fostering to now let Matt heal, do some things as a family and just be still for a moment.

Purpose

I've had people imply that we will take time to evaluate if we want to venture down this path again now that we know the end result and the pain it brings...

Let me take this back a few steps to give some insight.

The reason we are doing this is because we were told to. The Holy Spirit was very clear to me.

Since the whole reason is for Christ and He told us to do this then we will obey.

I have no doubt that if after Christ rose from the grave and someone, maybe Peter had asked Him, "So knowing now what you know now... Would you do it all again?"

I'm sure Jesus would have said with a smile, "But of course! My Father asked and I will obey. My Father has great plans for me and you. I must obey because my obedience changes the world. So absolutely I would do it again, because beyond the pain, beyond the stares and the whispers, beyond the darkness awaits beauty, awaits Heaven. If I don't obey, I miss out on the Promise and so do YOU!"

My heart is hurting big time. One of my children is incredibly sad. Another is hiding it. Two others don't understand.

But yes, yes we will do this again. This wasn't a trial run. It wasn't practice to see if we enjoyed it!

We will take time just the six of us to recover. Our definition of normal NOW is what most find strange and what most find normal we can't live in that zone of life anymore. Normal for us is weird to the world. I look at your normal and find it weird.

So we will use this time between the race we just ran to recover, to cross train, to refocus.

It's a race friends. Run it with PURPOSE!

My Cross

"Take up your cross... Daily."

The words my very wise Bible Study leader shared with me when I told her we had a foster child.

Her teaching was huge in our decision to even begin this journey. Christ really spoke to me through His Word via her.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. The day my Jesus carried His cross and later that day gave up his life on it, for me. For our friend. For you. 

Tomorrow on Good Friday, I will rise out of bed, put on my pajama pants, my socks, brush my teeth, put in my contacts and grab my cross. 

I will take three kids to school but only two will come home to eat dinner with us.

Matt and I will pray over our friend and then  we watch him leave. 

My heart hurts but that is the burden of the cross and my burden is nothing compared to what Christ did on His that very Good Friday.

The great thing about daily carrying your cross is it changes you. It is heavy so you become strong. It is splintery so you grow in persistence. The splinters serve as a painful reminder. They add to our beauty. 

My whole family has been forever changed by one nine year old boy. 

Everyone says we helped him but in all fairness to what he brought to the table, he helped us. 

We grew. We learned. We listened. We obeyed. We are closer. 

So this weekend, as you don your fancy Easter outfit, fancy jewelry and eat a nice lunch. Don't leave your cross at home. 

Grab it, carry it, let it change you. The pain of following Christ and his calling hurts but oh what a joy it has been. What a celebration it was in Heaven three days later when the stone was rolled away. 

Don't miss out on His goodness, His mercy because you won't carry your cross. 

Surrender your fears, your hesitation, your comfort.

I promise He shows up.

The Hurt

"I could never do foster care because it would be so hard when they leave."

That is what I hear a lot.

I was told today that our friend could leave this weekend which is a few days away. My heart is hurting. My heart is wishing we had more time. More time to teach him about Jesus, more time for Matt to hug him, more time for him to hug me, more time for him to learn to read, more time...

But we don't have more time. We have lesss time than I thought we would have.

Yes, my heart is going to hurt when he leaves us. My kids will miss him. Matt will miss him. My house will feel less full and it will be hard BUT this isnt about me or Matt or the kids.

This is fully and wholly about Christ. So for Christ, I will pack his bags, hopefully give him a hug, pray over him and watch him leave.

So yes, I, Megan Knox, could never do foster care because it would be so hard when they leave but Christ has told us to do this and this we will do. We will allow the hurt to grow us, to change us, to make us better.

Really the rest of you are missing out.

Happy Birthday

Today is our friend's birthday.

Most kids begin counting down to their birthday from the day they have their birthday.

He didn't know.

As soon as Cooper woke up, the first words out of his mouth were a groggy, "Happy birthday, (said his name)."

He didn't even react. I don't think he knew how to react.

My MIL came by today with his present. It was fun to watch him open it, to see him smile.

The biggest smile came when he saw the rice bag she made him.

Then all 5 kids and myself loaded up and headed to Sky Zone...

Five red, sweaty faces completely worn out is my idea of a successful morning.

Tonight, Matt comes home, we will let our friend pick dinner (my bet is on pizza), we will have ice cream and he will get his present from us; Legos, clothes, hot wheels.

He came with nothing.

He will leave with Jesus seeds in his heart and a box full of love.

One Month

It's been a month since our lives got flipped turned upside down...

It's been a month of feeling we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing.

It's been a month of constant teeth grinding... on my part.

It's been a month of not watching TV at night but reading books.

It's been a month of adjusting.

It's been a month.

It's been a month of watching a broken child grow.

It's been a month of watching a child who had no idea what church was like, what a Bible was or what praying sounded like, hearing him memorize Scripture.

It's been a month of humility.

It's been a month of sacrifice.

It's been a month of knowing my children will forever be changed.

It's been a month of knowing Matt and I will forever be changed.

It's been a month of feeling Christ closer than ever.

It's been a month of Grace.

It's been a month of unknown.

It's been a month of planting seeds.

It's been a month of Hope.

Forks & Spoons

Four forks.
Three spoons.
Four knives.

Four dinner plates.
Three appetizer like plates.
Two bowls.

That about rounds out our collection of dishes for the past eleven years.

When we moved to Tulsa, I bought four more spoons for roughly $1.00.

We've used those cheap, seasonal plastic plates and bowls for the past two years.

My point in giving my kitchen inventory?

It shows how many people we have had in our home.

We have hosted Christmas a few times, but used plastic stuff.

I went to the store recently to buy more plates and bowls. I struck out but managed to get more forks and spoons. Real forks and real spoons.

All of this to say, let's open our homes, our silverware drawers to others. Let's gather and welcome complete strangers to break bread.

If it's on plastic plates, that's ok. And I can say that because we still have them. haha

The Call

"Why are you fidgeting?" Matt whispered while the guest speaker was preaching.
"Because God is calling me out and I want to pull a Jonah and bolt."

Foster Care.

The tug at my heart and been getting stronger and stronger. Also, FYI, tugs at the heart get loud, in case you were curious, if there was a noise. There is.

During that service, I knew what we had to do.

The following Monday, I sent the email. The ball is now rolling.
I look back to all the events, messages, meetings that led us here. It's like an onion of events; layer upon layer. God was building my confidence that when He did give my heart the fidgets there would be no doubt as to what He was saying.

"I think we need to start the process to foster." I hesitantly told Matt.
"Ok."

He couldn't have been more matter of fact. He said "Ok." with such ease that I thought he was being nice and agreeing to his wife. "Uhh you ok with this?"
"Yep!"

He knew my heart was hearing from God and he wasn't going to argue.

Lots of paper work.. Like a ton of paper work. Lots of hours watching online training videos. Lots of questions. Lots of vulnerability.

A handful of months later, we are approved and a week later the phone begins to ring...