My mind has been working over time lately, which explains my nightly teeth grinding getting worse. I have been thinking about events, people & unanswered prayers. Anytime my journey goes through a little change, I have an inner nervousness, a queasiness if you will. Not in a bad way, just in a curious way. (We are moving, that is the current change.)
I haven't blogged much, if at all, about our experiences at the boys ranch Matt and I used to work at. The way it ended was awful to say the least. I'll just leave it at that.
When we move, and we've moved a bunch, I often think back to the very moment Matt called his brother and told him we needed help moving, that we were leaving the ranch. That moment in time sent me into a year and a half of questioning God, questioning my Salvation, questioning every single thing I knew and hoped for. That was in 2004.
It's 2008, and I still think back to that day. When I'm holding Cooper, looking at Chloe and doing dishes, (Not at the same time of course, I mean I am a mom, but not that kind of a mom.) my mind & heart wonders and becomes eerily thankful. (If you knew what we went through you would understand the adding of the word 'eerily'.)
I tried finding some of the boys from the ranch and was successful. When I found his myspace page, I became so so sad, and wondered if what I saw was partially my fault. He has become his surroundings, like most of us do, but our general surroundings don't require us to use our fingers to show who we stand for.
I'm over the knife in the back Matt and I both received, but I'm so sad of what has become of some of the boys that have left. When I told Matt I had located this particular boy, he didn't say much. I told him, "He looks like you would expect." Matt was silent, I know he was thinking, "Megan, why did you even look them up? You know what that is going to do to your emotions." He's right, even though he didn't say that.
Thankfully God was there that day the knife penetrated my heart. Even more thanks, because He never left when I thought I was spiritually going to die. I look at my life now, and like I said, "I am eerily thankful. Praise God for the valleys."