My mind has been working over time lately, which explains my nightly teeth grinding getting worse. I have been thinking about events, people & unanswered prayers. Anytime my journey goes through a little change, I have an inner nervousness, a queasiness if you will. Not in a bad way, just in a curious way. (We are moving, that is the current change.)
I haven't blogged much, if at all, about our experiences at the boys ranch Matt and I used to work at. The way it ended was awful to say the least. I'll just leave it at that.
When we move, and we've moved a bunch, I often think back to the very moment Matt called his brother and told him we needed help moving, that we were leaving the ranch. That moment in time sent me into a year and a half of questioning God, questioning my Salvation, questioning every single thing I knew and hoped for. That was in 2004.
It's 2008, and I still think back to that day. When I'm holding Cooper, looking at Chloe and doing dishes, (Not at the same time of course, I mean I am a mom, but not that kind of a mom.) my mind & heart wonders and becomes eerily thankful. (If you knew what we went through you would understand the adding of the word 'eerily'.)
I tried finding some of the boys from the ranch and was successful. When I found his myspace page, I became so so sad, and wondered if what I saw was partially my fault. He has become his surroundings, like most of us do, but our general surroundings don't require us to use our fingers to show who we stand for.
I'm over the knife in the back Matt and I both received, but I'm so sad of what has become of some of the boys that have left. When I told Matt I had located this particular boy, he didn't say much. I told him, "He looks like you would expect." Matt was silent, I know he was thinking, "Megan, why did you even look them up? You know what that is going to do to your emotions." He's right, even though he didn't say that.
Thankfully God was there that day the knife penetrated my heart. Even more thanks, because He never left when I thought I was spiritually going to die. I look at my life now, and like I said, "I am eerily thankful. Praise God for the valleys."
i've looked up some of my kiddos from when I taught at the alternative school, and I can feel defeated pretty easily...all the work and effort I put in to make a change. I'm doing a beth moore study (Psalms of Ascent) and last week she talked about how the Holy Spirit puts people in our lives, not for the purpose to save them because that's His job, but to love and pray for them. Prayers might not be answered overnight or five years from now, but it's our job to be their prayer warrior when they come to mind. It's another of those "Be Still" moments that I need to work on because I tend to like these done quickly.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of the women of God you have become. I know it is hard to see the kids we pour into and wish so much we could wrap them up and not let them out. I love you girl!
ReplyDeleteWow. This post stirred up so emotions in me to say the least. I don't know what happened but I can relate to living at a boys ranch and leaving and also wondering where the boys are at in their life. I stay in contact with some of the boys I lived with but some I don't, mainly because I have no idea where they are now. If I think too much about it I wonder if I'm being selfish for not still being there for them, I wonder if we made a difference while we were there...etc etc. I had a hard time leaving the boys ranch we lived at, but I know it was time to leave. Our main reason was our little one, we didn't want to raise him there. But I still have days that I long to be there...not because I enjoyed sharing a bathroom with teenage boys..but because I know someone needs to love them and show them that they matter. But God has spoken to me many times concerning this guilt I have. And I know these things: 1.God placed us there for a very specific reason, and whether we see the results of our time there or not, differences were made. 2.God has placed others there to be the "parents" they need, the people to love them. and.. 3. just because I don't live with the boys doesn't mean I can't still be used to minister to them. I email them and encourage them, I pray for them and the staff at the ranch, and we even took our youth group to the ranch to build a picnic table for them...not much but still an act of love, and that is something they dont see often. ... anyway, this is getting long, but I do want to say that I am so sorry for whatever happened at the ranch you worked at, I know how hard of a job it is, and it isn't fair that whatever happened to you happened. It may not mean much, but I thank you for sacrificing what you did to work there for the time you did. My heart is very heavy for the children in this state that are abused or neglected and when I meet someone that has that same heart it blesses me. So may God bless you for what you did there!
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